Andy’s top 5 turn-offs

Andy Shotwell and Andy Shotwell

If you read my column with any regularity, you may remember my “List of Things that Absolutely Do Not Impress Girls.” Many of you were probably expecting to see a “List of Things that Absolutely Do Not Impress Guys” the following week. “Now that you mention it, why didn’t we see that article,” you ask. It’s called suspense, people. I like to keep my faithful readers on their toes. You think I’m going to zig, and then I zag. You see, I’ve waited until the girls let their guard down to strike. The girls thought they were off the hook, but I would never forget you, ladies. Do you think I would make fun of my own gender without delivering an equal tongue lashing back at the women? That just wouldn’t be good journalism.

However, before I begin, I would like to apologize ahead of time for offending my female readers (and you will be). Some of you may call me cocky, but I personally consider myself confident.

Regardless, I encourage the ladies to log onto and reread my previous male-bashing column before they write any nasty hate mail. And now, without further ado, I give you “Andy Shotwell’s List of Things that Absolutely Do Not Impress Guys” (all great minds refer to themselves in the third person).

Turn-off No. 1: The ability to bench-press more than me

Nothing makes me respect a girl more than a nice firm handshake, and by “respect,” I mean fear. If I have to ask you to open beer bottles for me, we have a problem. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all for empowering women, just not to the point where they can beat me into submission. You think you’re smarter than us, so let us think we’re stronger than you.

When a girl I’m seeing works out all the time, it makes me feel like I should start working out again, and lets face it friends, that’s simply not going to happen. Now don’t get me wrong. I am attracted to and respect girls who take the time and have the will power to keep themselves in tip-top physical condition as long as they don’t try to get me involved. The last thing I want to do after work is to go jogging with you and showcase the depths of my physical incompetence to the world.

Turn-off No. 2: Faith in alternative medicine and aroma therapy.

Last week I was furiously studying for the GMAT. I mentioned to my friend Kerry that I was stressed out and was having trouble sleeping. Kerry’s solution: the calming power of her lavender candle. Now first off, last time I checked lavender was a color, not a scent. I can’t speak for all guys, but falling asleep next to a potential fire hazard does not instill me with a feeling of tranquility. Thanks, but no thanks. If I need to calm down I’ll go get a beer, not sit next to a candle. I will admit that some guys take ginseng for energy (personally I prefer a Snickers bar), but girls take herbal supplements to new levels. Every time I used to get sick my ex-girlfriend would force-feed me echinachea. Ladies, this is annoying. I don’t need to take herbal remedies that aren’t FDA approved. I need an antibiotic, a shot of NyQuil, and for you to stop talking.

Turn-off No. 3: Talking Whoa, settle down ladies, I was just making sure you’re still paying attention. Let me explain myself before you light your torches and beat down the front door of my apartment. I can sincerely say that nothing is more of a turn-on than a girl who can hold a conversation and make me laugh (although some form of physical attraction must still be present). The kind of talking I’m referring to in Turn Off No. 3 is “inebriated babbling.” Both sexes are annoying and unintelligible when they are drunk (my buddy Matt once told me the same story seven times in a row), but drunk females’ voices have a nasty tendency to jump seven octaves and 2000 decibels after a couple of drinks. Drunken male speech patterns tend to slow down, while drunken female speech patterns accelerate exponentially. There is nothing more painful in this world than a tipsy girl trying to get to a punch line.

Turn-off No. 4: Unshaved legs

This trend is most noteworthy in ladies who demand that “women” be spelled with a “y.” I simply do not understand how shaved legs oppress these womyn (although I have a feeling I’m going to get a nasty email explaining it to me). I am expected to shave my face before work every day, and I don’t get to take a break during the winter months. I would like to emphasize that I am not judging any female who has made a personal choice. I am simply saying that the majority of guys do not find sasquatch legs attractive. If this is unimportant to you, forget that you read this. Just know that it is possible to be attractive and equal at the same time.

Turn-off No. 5: Mentioning your boyfriend

If he’s not standing directly behind me with a broken beer bottle in his hand, I really don’t need to hear about him. I’ve heard rumors that some girls pretend to have boyfriends when they are actually very available (tricky ladies, real tricky). Did you know that this would actually stop a guy like me from hitting on you? At first I thought girls who mention their boyfriends may actually be intentionally trying to get me to go away. But after painstakingly examining my rugged good looks in the mirror for the majority of an hour, I’ve determined that no girl would fabricate a boyfriend to intentionally turn away the blessing of my presence.

Because so many girls make the mistake of mentioning a boyfriend, I would like to give them a little advice. Ladies, the only time it’s acceptable to make a reference to your boyfriend in the presence of another guy is when you’re saying something like, “you’re so much more of a man than my boyfriend” or “I want you so much more than my boyfriend.” But then again, after rereading turn-off No. 3, it’s probably best to simply not say anything.

Ladies: feel free to let Andy know what you think of his turn-offs by e-mailing him at [email protected]