Remember when you were a little kid, living it up in kindergarten like you were the best thing since the invention of the disposable diaper? Life was good, wasn’t it?

I mean, two plus two was still four; there was no shortage of Play-Doh to feast upon; and that cute girl Suzie over at the next table totally had the hots for you.

Fast-forward 15 years, and unfortunately the only thing that hasn’t changed is your clay consumption habit.

But, you’re probably asking, whatever happened to Suzie? Let’s just say the skank made out with every boy in the seventh grade ” except you.

From the way I’ve described the “glory days,” you might expect me to jump at the chance to return to my prime. You’d be wrong.

You see, a friend asked me the exact same question a few days ago and my answer was a resounding “Hells no!” for a bunch of reasons.

For example, remember how everyone had those sweet gym shoes with the blinking laser lights that could blind a cow from 100 yards away?

Yeah, my mom always refused to buy them for me; now whenever I see someone wearing blinking shoes, I have a little breakdown. And just to be clear, when I say “little,” I mean that sometimes my breakdowns last for weeks on end.

Another thing that gave me fits was those damn Magic Eye puzzles. I don’t know if anyone in the history of the world has ever stared at those pictures for as long as I did back in third grade.

And the worst part was that all my friends were like masters at it, too. Our conversations usually went something like this:

FRIEND: Wow! Check out this awesome Magic Eye!

ME: Um, yeah”

FRIEND: What, can’t you see it? It’s easy, you just-

ME: Er, of course I can see it. I just didn’t know if it was a, um, you know, one of those, um, things.

FRIEND: Hey, what happened to your nose? Are those all paper cuts?

ME: I hate you.

But you know what? None of it matters anymore, because I’m my own person. I don’t need Play-Doh or blinking shoes to lead a meaningful life.

On second thought, forget everything I just wrote. Suzie just Facebooked me.