Why are children’s stories so awful? They don’t teach kids anything about the way the world really works. Happily ever after? Whoever came up with that obviously doesn’t have a job.

What’s happy about dragging yourself out of bed early every morning and going to work only to have someone steal your lunch out of the fridge? Life is hard and children’s stories should be honest and prepare kids for the metamorphoses from naive, innocent child, to mildly depressed adult with a drinking problem.

For example, “Happily ever after” should be replaced with, “Lived in a convenient but loveless marriage ever after.”

Name one admirable character from a storybook. Sam-I-Am is a jerk. He’s way too in your face – just like the people at the Union who think that if I sign my name on their science-fair reject excuse for a poster, it will actually prevent me from drinking and driving.

“Hey you want a drink?” “Oh sorry, I better not; I promised some poster board I wouldn’t.”

I just signed it to clear my name. (Speaking of which, does that hold up in court? Because I have my arraignment next Tuesday). Look, the guy’s made it quite clear that he doesn’t want your green eggs and ham. Who gives a damn if you’re in a box with a fox?

I don’t even know how he put up with Sam-I-Am for as long as he did; that guy was like an overzealous cross-country runner who keeps trying to convince you that running is a real sport. In real life he would have been stabbed by page two: “I think I’ll stab you Sam-I-am. I’ll cut you with my machete. I’ll string you out like my spaghetti.”

Then there’s Goldilocks, your typical blonde bimbo – who, after trespassing, breaking and entering, theft, and destruction of property – is stupid enough to fall asleep at the crime scene just like a hobo who just killed another hobo over a sandwich and passed out afterwards (only Goldilocks doesn’t smell of urine and have a silly beard, and also I’m not filming it and taking bets on who will win).

If we’re going to teach kids the joys of stealing and ruining other people’s things, we owe it to them to teach them the importance of having a getaway car.

And let’s not forget the ugly duckling: savior to outcasts and theater majors everywhere. Here we have a story about a social misfit who ends up being a beautiful swan. Wrong! Sorry kids, once a loser, always a loser.

What was his mom doing fraternizing with the swans anyway? Didn’t Mr. Ugly Duckling suspect something was wrong when his kid didn’t have any of the same colored feathers? What is this story saying anyway? It’s okay to be different as long as you’re white and pretty? Yeah, that’s a great thing to teach kids. I thought we were going to try to better future generations “

To help children deal with the fact that the world is a cruel place (Santa doesn’t exist, the Easter Bunny isn’t real, mommy and the pool boy aren’t just friends, etc.) I have written my own short children’s story:

Once upon a time there was a little boy named Billy. Billy had a cute brown puppy named Browny. Browny loved to play catch. Billy would throw the round ball and Browny would catch it in his mouth. “Catch Browny, Catch! What a good dog!”

One day Billy threw the ball high into the air. Browny ran to catch it! Honk Honk! Squish! Browny got hit by Billy’s Rich neighbor, Mr. Elitist’s Hummer. “I just had this waxed!” Mr. Elitist said. Billy was sad.

Billy went in his house to see his mommy. Billy’s parents had recently divorced because they didn’t love him very much. Billy’s daddy now lived with a girl who was much younger and much blonder than Billy’s mommy, and she loved to spend Billy’s daddy’s money.

Puff! Puff! Billy’s mommy sucked on a tasty cigarette like it was yummy candy. She looked so cool and adult-like with the cigarette in her mouth. “I’m sad.” Billy said. Hack! Hack! Billy’s mom coughed a phlegmy cough. “Life’s tough, get used to it,” she rasped.

Billy grew emotionally cold and distant so he would never experience pain again and lived adequately detached from people ever after.

The End.

Colby [email protected] is looking for illustrators for his new line of children’s stories. Please apply.