Why do people like those damn chain letters so much?
Every time I open my inbox or go onto MySpace, I see these weird messages from people. Most of them end with, “If you don’t send this to 13 people in the next hour, your second cousin on your father’s side will get rectal warts and have bad credit,” or something like that.
I mean, what’s the point of all this? To cause hysteria by telling people they might not have a girlfriend for the next five years?
Fortunately, most of my friends are intelligent enough not to send me this crap. Generally, the letters come from unknown sources. But I open them up anyway, because I’m a glutton for punishment.
They normally come in two varieties. One is the obscenely long e-mail where the messenger tells you to scroll down the page, making a wish as you go along. Then, when you get to the end, you MUST send the message to five other hapless victims or your wish will never, ever come true.
Unfortunately, the one time I wished to have more friends, I didn’t know five other people. Ironic, ain’t it?
The second (and best) kinds of chain e-mails are the ones that tell a story. They normally reference a witch dying or a baby being set on fire or something.
They all end the same way, too: some kid was killed in the same way as the person in the story because he didn’t pass along the note. Or something bad happened to him, like he had to sit all the way through “Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties.”
Seriously, though, you must have no life to make this stupid stuff up. Well, guess what? I happen to have no life, so, I thought, I might as well do it too:
About 265 million years ago in Bangladesh, Debbie Kwiatkowski was pushed down a sewer opening by carnie folk, who were trying to embarrass her in front of her boyfriend during a $10 all-you-can-eat at Carl’s Hot Wings.
Unfortunately the fall killed her, and ruined her nice new dress. When the police recovered Debbie’s body, they found that the concrete at the bottom broke her fall – and her scapula.
The freaks told everyone she fell, and everyone believed them. A few days later, the carnies were found dead at the bottom of the same sewer. No one knows how this happened. Many speculate it was Debbie.
FACT: Twelve hours ago, 16 year-old David Gregory read this post and didn’t re-send it. When he went to order Domino’s, he heard laughter from his shower.
He said good night to his mom and went to sleep. Five hours later, his mom woke up in the middle of the night after hearing a loud noise. When she went into David’s room, she witnessed him doing the nasty with Sister Augustine from the convent down the street.
If you don’t send this story to all your friends in the next five minutes, your parents may walk in on you having sexual relations with a person of the cloth. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Jon ([email protected]) isn’t going to have a girlfriend for five years anyway.
