New ‘organ’ transplant restores manhood

I read a story about a man in China receiving the world’s first successful penis transplant earlier this week. Yes, this is a true story.

A 44-year-old Chinese man suffered a horrific accident, and doctors were forced to remove his goods, basically ruining his life. In all honesty, I probably would have killed myself if it had happened to me, but he was apparently a stronger man than I.

Doctor Hung Wang (ok, ok, his name was actually Weilie Hu), a surgeon at a Chinese hospital performed the 15 hour operation, transplanting a four-inch penis from a brain dead man to the accident victim.

Honestly, hadn’t the guy suffered enough? First he has to lose his manhood, and then they give him a small one. He basically upgraded from a Chevette to a Yugo.

Weren’t there any Mandarin adult film stars who had recently died?

Who brings up the idea of a penis transplant anyway? Was it the man’s idea or the doctors?

Man without a penis: “Doc, you’ve got to help me. What can we do?”

Doctor: “Hmm, this is a hard one to figure out.”

Man: “Can they do transplants for this type of thing?”

Doctor: “Come again?”

Man: “Hopefully ” someday.”

It seems like the surgery would have been nerve wracking for the doctors. I know that if I try to hookup surround sound, I’m nervous I’ll miss a wire, let alone pioneering obscure surgery.

And if all of this could not get odd enough, the guy actually had the surgery reversed two weeks later making him the only man in history to have his penis removed twice.

Imagine having your mojo removed, getting a new one, and then asking that it be removed again. That would be like Jimmy Stewart deciding to jump anyway at the end of “It’s a Wonderful Life.”

Hopefully he had a 100 percent satisfaction guarantee with the surgery so it didn’t cost him anything. The reason he had it removed was because it was too traumatic for him emotionally. I can understand that.

It would be scary to go to the bathroom and look down and know that it used to be someone else’s genitals. It’s not like he lost a finger, he lost his essence. It’s like a captain without his first mate or my column without a Toledo joke.

It’s like an autonomous entity down there. It does what it wants, when it wants. You can practically talk to it. It’s basically Magellan’s tale from Eureka’s Castle.

Half the time, it wakes up before we do. It’s like, “Hey buddy, you’re up early. What do you say we go get some breakfast?”

And in all seriousness, I do feel bad for the guy. I can’t imagine losing such a vital organ. It would change everything. I say this in the hopes that I don’t get attacked later by a disgruntled penisless man angry about my column.

Furthermore, who would have ever thought that the world’s first penis transplant would be done by the Chinese? I mean, that has U.S.A. written all over it.

\In other news, the world’s first ever brain transplant happened this week in Toledo when a Polish man who recently died had his brain donated to a UT student, tripling the total intelligence of the university.