Lack of potent ideas never slows down ‘real’ columnists

So often times when I have trouble thinking about what to write, my friends say to me, “Well, do a column about not having anything to write about.” And I’ve always thought that it would just seem like I was complaining, and who wants to read that?

With that said, my gosh, I just could not think of a column to write about this week, and I got to thinking, “What would happen if I just didn’t turn my column in one week?”

When I can’t think of an idea, I still have to write, simply because I fear what would happen to society if I did not. It would basically be like New Orleans after Katrina, only with more carnage and less water. There would be nothing to talk about, you would have to go back to reading Stall Talk in the bathroom, and worst of all, you would actually have to listen to lectures on Wednesdays.

Here’s what I think would happen if I didn’t write. I will warn you, what you are about to read is extremely frightening, so if you are elderly, pregnant, or have any type of heart condition, you may want to avoid reading this chilling glimpse at a possible future (it’s kind of like the movie “Water World.” Well, you probably never saw “Water World,” like every other person in America, but it’s scary nonetheless).

Week 1: People think, “Hey, maybe the newspaper made a mistake. I’m sure there’s a perfectly logical reason why Josh didn’t write this week. Maybe he’s sick.”

Week 2: Mass rioting and public executions (FEMA called).

Week 3: The city of Toledo is burned in effigy (does several million dollars worth of improvement).

Week 4: The Benner archives are searched in the hopes that lost columns can be found, sort of like how new Tupac records keep coming out.

Week 5: FEMA arrives, and psychics are called to find Josh (or at least read his thoughts and try to dictate a column from said thoughts).

Week 6: Knockoff Josh Benner columns start running that are so bad, they remind you of when you were a kid and they had Beanie Babies but sometimes your grandparents would buy like the wrong thing and you still had to say, “Thank you,” even though you were thinking, “This sucks, it’s not the right thing at all,” and the stuffed animal was basically dead to you the moment you sat it down.

Week 7: The apocalypse.

So that’s a thumbnail sketch of what a world without my column would be like. It’s scary, I know, and that’s why I do it every week, for the overall greater good. It may seem arrogant, but I think we all know it’s true.

Oh you disagree? Well, you’re wrong. With that said, don’t worry. Just because I write every week doesn’t mean we still can’t burn Toledo down.

Josh ([email protected]) will have an actual topic next week. Probably.