Bosscher’s bid for President

I am hereby announcing my formation of an exploratory committee to investigate my chances of making a dramatic run at the White House in 2008. With all of the hopefuls throwing their hats in the ring, I figure the likelihood of success improves all the time. Of course the election is still two years away, but like the other candidates already making headlines, I need to start grabbing up those political contributions before Hillary and her giant cash vacuum beat me to it. Incidentally, I would like to cordially invite you to my upcoming $5,000-per-plate dinner. We will be serving pheasants shot by Dick Cheney himself and the keynote speakers include whichever quarterback won the Super Bowl and Jack Bauer (menu and speakers subject to change).

I will also need some experienced political operatives to help run my smear campaign against the other candidates. Since I haven’t picked a party yet, I will need to dig up dirt on pretty much everybody running for president. A little pseudo-legal support from some shady 527 organizations could really give me an edge.

In the meantime, I will have to handle it myself. Did you hear John McCain and Rudy Giuliani had a gay affair while attending Barrack Obama’s madrassa? You have now, and, with any luck, Fox News is already running with it. By the way, does anybody know how to make a Web site?

I’ve already filmed a great interview for it in which I discuss my love of children’s movies and growing up the son of a lowly mill worker. I even have a catchy campaign slogan: “Bosscher ’08 – He Can’t Possibly be Worse than Bush.”

While these issues should be resolved as soon as I get the right cadre of unscrupulous politicos working for me (Karl Rove, why haven’t you returned my calls?), the matter of name recognition may present a challenge.

In a recent Zogby poll, likely voters were asked to indicate whether they would cast a ballot for specific candidates. Among Democrats, Clinton scored 39% followed by Obama with 17%. I received a paltry .07%, placing me with the likes of Senator Chris Dodd and Governor Mike Huckabee. There is no way I can win unless I break out of this pack of washed-up jokers. Even more disheartening is the poll’s 5 percent margin of error. Theoretically, I could be looking at a -4.93 percent recognition level.

These numbers are not all bad, however. I am up from .05 percent just yesterday and if this trend continues I will be polling in the quadruple digits by November 2008. Take that Obamania!

Of course, there is the small problem of the Constitutional requirement that presidential candidates be at least 35 years old. No problem. When George Bush unveils his campaign, “George Looks Great in ’08,” the country will spiral into a Constitutional crisis allowing me to sneak in under the radar. Just in case, my Web site design team also functions as a birth-certificate forgery team.

Also, I lack even the slightest bit of experience or credibility on matters of national importance. I have never been elected to office and have not attempted it since I was defeated in a bitterly divisive run for president of the drama club in 1998. But who cares? People love Obama and he looks like he’s 13. Who needs experience when you can bring charisma, leadership and armies of fund raisers?

Despite the daunting challenges to my campaign, I bring a number of positives to the table. Unlike McCain I was never tortured in a Vietnamese POW camp, but I did attend public school.

In contrast to the auspicious presidential campaign of Senator Joseph Biden, I have managed not to say anything racist in the first few hours after declaring my candidacy. Most importantly, unlike Barrack Obama, my name is unlikely to be confused with any international terrorists. What’s more, the support of Jack Bauer should insulate me against any claims that I may be soft on terror.

And so I ask you for your support in my bid for the presidency. While cynics will say the American political system has room for only a few well-funded candidates to make a serious effort, I counter that the desire to be the most powerful person in the world is stronger than ever and will continue to fuel a wide-open field of potential presidents.

With any luck 2008 will be the first time there are more candidates than voters.

Though it may seem a waste to spend two years picking a president, we need this time to make sure there aren’t any closet gays, robots or competent policy makers in the field. Without the intense and never-ending media scrutiny, talking heads like Tucker Carlson would be forced to cover something relevant.

Look for me on the ballot in ’08 and remember, I promise a cabinet level position to anyone who helps me get elected. How does Secretary of Leisure sound?

Send comments to Jon Bosscher at [email protected]