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September 29, 2023

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Not News: Girlfriends outcost video games

Come on darling, why do you have to do me like that?

You know you’re the only person in my double team, the one I keep my sniper scope fixed on from far away.

I’ve sung your praises on message boards, fan sites and ranked matches across the universe, from the top of Valhalla’s mighty mountains to the depths of the Pillar of Autumn. You’ve met all my comrades among my clan and they’ve accepted you with open arms.

Don’t hold my faults and lack of EXP against me, baby, you and I are meant for each other.

No army of Flood or Covenant could ever keep me from you. Having you in my life is the only achievement I care to unlock, the only addition to my Gamer Score worth having.

Ever since I saw you, staring at me from across Gamestop, I knew I would cling to you like a sticky grenade. I’d wait in a pregame lobby forever just to be with you. I put that big pink heart tattoo on my Mark IV Spartan Mjolnir armor just to glorify you.

Please forgive me for throwing the controller at the TV and stepping on my Voice Communicator. I didn’t mean those hateful words I said. When that 5-year-old girl kept crouch-squatting over my corpse after raining pink bombardment on me from dual needlers, I got emotional and erratic.

I’ve sent you game invites, but you don’t respond.

Can’t you see we’re destined to be together? We’re like two rockets locked onto the same Mongoose, two star-crossed lovers meant to ride a Warthog together into the sunset.

My love for you is higher than Level 50, an accomplishment this splendid online universe never thought possible.

It would take a system crash due to a mandatory update patch to keep me from you. You restore my health bar with your touch; reload my ammo in just a stare. Please forgive me, hunny. I wander aimlessly through playlists, dropping levels until the day you take me back.

For the rest of you out there laughing at my plea for forgiveness, think before you judge.

Halo 3 and I are just like any other couple.

“But Greg how is a video game like a woman?”

Well, video games are a lot like women, except for the weird biological cycle and complete lack of accountability.

Think of the money you spend on a video game these days – around 60 dollars a game. That’s like your first date with a girl where you just pay for the dinner. Then you’ve got to get an Xbox Live subscription, a wireless Voice Communicator, Halo-brand Mountain Dew, Master Chief action figures and limited edition controllers among other things. The guys reading this know just what this sounds like: the cost of gas to drive your girl to the mall, buying flowers for forgiveness when you forget about your 3 month anniversary, going to see a movie, getting drinks at the bar and paying for the cab ride home.

When you first start dating a girl you’re on cloud nine. Things are perfect – you actually enjoy her presence, may spend time consciously listening to her and actually entertain the idea of being with her and her friends.

This is just like a video game.

When you first get Halo 3 the world is open to you and you begin to eat, breath, crap and sleep the game. Things like class, work and social interaction are all distractions from your alone time with the game.

Video games and relationships continue to parallel each other.

Once you’re comfortable with each other, you can start to be yourself around your gal. This includes regressing to Ramon-Noodle dinners together, not showering every time you see her and fluctuating in her presence.

You also get really good at, say, satisfying each other. This type of conditioning mimics Halo. Sure, throwing a Josh Beckett fastball from the other side of the stage to stick some noob is frickin’ awesome the first time, but eventually the only pleasure you derive from the game is continual success in ranked online matches.

Unfortunately, all good things come to an end. Even with great games like Halo, you either get sick of it or something better comes along.

Sound familiar?

Though grenading someone dead and watching their corpse fly into a man-cannon and shoot across the stage is fun, eventually it gets old. No matter how beautiful or gymnastically inclined your lady is, you’ll get tired of her.

So why am I looking to get back together with Halo? Hooking up with Halo 3 is like dating a pretty girl with a never ending string of beautiful sisters.

The hits just keep on coming.

Greg Chick ([email protected]) is too hopped up on Mt. Dew Game Fuel to go on a real date.

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