I used to hate Halloween because it was the day hundreds of bratty children incessantly rang my doorbell and screamed “Trick or Treat!” at me.

Don’t even get me started on the high school kids that are too old for Halloween, but trick-or-treat in their lame costumes just to get candy.

Now that I’m in college, Halloween has become a wonderful day where beautiful women everywhere forget their morals and objectify themselves to the delight of mankind. It could be a sub-zero October night and women everywhere would still wear as little as possible in the “I have a better chest, and/or stomach, and/or butt than you” competition.

It’s safe to say, that for a man, a college campus on Halloween night is the best place to be – it’s like going to a strip club, only this strip club is free, just the way God intended. However, lately I’ve noticed a worrisome trend: because the beautiful people are having fun in little clothing, it seems that all the ugly people have decided to do the same, and let me assure you – there are way more ugly than beautiful people.

It’s almost as if these ugly people are under the false impression that, just because they have feelings, they’re somehow equal to us beautiful people. This unfortunate and alarming misconception has upset me so much that I don’t think I’ll be going out this Halloween – my stomach just can’t handle the sight of these hideous people in revealing attire in addition to all the candy-corn and beer I plan on having.

Instead of going out and putting my eyes through that trauma, I’m staying in and I’m having my own party. Now usually I don’t invite people to my parties whom I don’t consider as good as me, but there’s going to be a lot of people coming in and out of the doors and those unattractive folk have a way of sneaking in. So to prevent my party from being tainted, I’m going to be enforcing a few rules.

First of all, being ugly is a good enough reason to hide your face 24/7, but on Halloween there is no excuse for not covering your face because you’re encouraged to wear masks. If you’re ugly and you insist on showing up without a mask, I will have a spare costume set aside for you: “Paper-Bag-Face” whose terrifying reminder of cafeteria lunches is sure to strike fear into the hearts of everyone. Sure it’s only a paper bag with two eye holes cut out (if you’re lucky) but trust me, it’s a great costume.

For some reason, the past few Halloweens I’ve seen a few guys who’ve disregarded dignity and decided to walk around in very little clothing. Come on guys, everyone knows that this sort of behavior is only acceptable if you’re an attractive female. Henceforth any male at my party who’s total weight of clothing weighs less than that than of the average Eskimo’s will have the honor of dressing up as a cross-country runner before a race. I know what you’re thinking, “Who in their right minds would ever want to be a runner?” But hear me out.

I’m not talking about directly before the race, because those short shorts they wear should really just be illegal. I’m talking about when they show a little bit of courtesy to the rest of the world by wearing a tracksuit. Any scantily clad male at my party gets to wear the ever fashionable tracksuit. I don’t actually own one, because I don’t associate with those runner-types, but we’ll just borrow my roommate’s (who will not be allowed in the party).

Finally, can we just agree that if you have a beer-gut it should never ever be exposed? Too many women think that showing off their portly stomachs is sexy, and too many men think that sporting the flab is funny. It’s not funny! It’s tragic!

Those of you who manage to sneak into my party displaying your rotund bellies get the distinct honor of celebrating the history of everyone’s favorite Mexican general with the costume: “Poncho” Villa! And what better way to make tribute than by covering up with a poncho?

I’m going to have a whole stockpile of ponchos at the ready, but don’t worry you get to pick from the two exciting poncho colors: construction-worker orange and yield-sign yellow!

Well, that just about covers it. With all these rules in place, I’m bound to have a safe and fun Halloween.

But wait a minute; I forgot to tell you my costume. This Halloween, I’ll be going as the most terrifying thing in the world: a BG Fireman trying to drive.