It’s a warm sunny day out. You’re sprawled out on the fresh shaven grass as you smell that sweet summer odor. As the hot sun beams down on you, you look out in the distance and see four of your friends. They’re a good mile away so you click your binocular thing to get a better look. Your friends exit their vehicle and seem to be carrying something. You pause to enjoy the wonderful breeze that pushes your head back. A beautiful monarch butterfly flaps by you as you turn back towards your friends. You begin to concentrate, and then, a quick, deep breath. BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

After piercing all of your friends’ head with your sniper rifle rounds you hear “Killtacular!” screamed over your loudspeakers as you just prevented your friends from capturing the flag. As you hear your friends scream in the other room, a large smile brandishes your face.

And so it’s begun as Halo 3 has been released to salivating fans everywhere. You may have noticed in the past few days a decline in the male population as we’ve migrated to our command centers in front of our TVs. Men everywhere have waited years for this game to come out and now that it’s here, it has captured our lives.

I apologize for continuing the stereotype of men as the only people who play videogames. I encourage any hardcore female Halo-fan that is offended by this to send me a message; we can go out some time and debate the efficacy of the Spartan Laser versus homing rockets in the obliteration of approaching enemy Brute Choppers over dinner.

The purpose of my article this week is not to further proliferate my stereotype as the biggest nerd on campus, but rather to educate those who don’t understand why I and others dedicate hours on end to a “childish” videogame. A lot of people hate on us guys for not being open and in touch with our emotions. I don’t think this is the case at all. There’s nothing like massacring droves of fellow online warriors alongside your closest friends to build camaraderie. War brings us all closer together.

Shedding blood, sweat and tears together is the basis for most of my close friendships. Using my voice communicator, I understand my friends more through an online game of team slayer than hanging out at Starbucks, studying together or whatever cultural practices people do to socialize. Some of my deepest conversations with my friends have occurred while I laid cover fire against a hoard of enemies while trying to protect the bomb carrier. What better way is there to lament your ridiculous course load than to express it while driving a Warthog over enemy corpses? The best way to catch up on someone’s life is to rush an enemy’s base alongside them, smashing the Brute Hammer and slicing the Elite Sword into opponent’s skulls as you discuss the hardships of day-to-day life. Personally, I like to share my recent crushes on people with my friends while I camp an enemy’s base, patiently waiting for the next victim to pop his head up and expose himself to my sniper rifle. Sharing stories is the cornerstone of online gaming.

I may sound elitist, but I’m really not. I welcome the opportunity to bring new players into the online community. Playing videogames is something we can all benefit from. Why work on a paper when I could teach you how to toss a sticky grenade onto someone’s face from a few yards out? What’s the point of stats homework when we can save the Earth together from Covenant invasion and Flood annihilation? I can tell a lot more about a person by the way they handle a battle rifle in battle than sharing some lunch at the Union. Maybe you need a break from the stress of class; what better way then driving a Warthog along the beach of Zanzibar, taking in the beautiful sunrise and the calming sound of the waves.

We all need to take a look inside and re-prioritize ourselves. What the University thinks you should commit in time to homework (and who does that?) is better spent on increasing your online rank. What good is a degree from this place; I’d rather have a saved video of me scoping an opponent ten yards away in mid-air or a snapshot of me assassinating someone with the sword. So for those of you that are finishing the fight night in and night out, I look forward to spraying you from behind cover. I can’t wait to meet you all and get to know you; not over a cappuccino from Starbucks, but over the death and destruction of fellow online competitors.

Greg ([email protected]) is using his voice communicator to broadcast a personal ad.