Working a day to day job is starting to get harder for college students. The job market is shrinking, minimum wage has increased and immigrants have found more creative means to get into the country (apparently catapults weren’t good enough).

For guys like me, it’s hard enough to find a job, what with prostitution being illegal. I think that the biggest problem with college kids is that, most of the time, we have no idea what to do at key points in the hiring process. Thankfully, though, my mother works in the employment industry, and, thus, I know everything there is to know about it. So, I’ll try to impart some of my knowledge to you.

Your resume, much like a tumor growing out of your forehead, is the first thing an employer is going to notice.

First of all, when making your resume, make sure to put things you want someone to see. If an employer sees your previous job experience as “fake ghost pirate,” they may look down at you.

Also, when searching for a job, don’t think you’re going to find your perfect job from the start. Instead of scanning through the want ads for the words “video games,” “booze,” or “sitting on your big, white, pimply behind,” try and find a job that you have skills for.

Do you enjoy reading? Look for a library assistant opening. Is a terrible case of obsessive-compulsive disorder bugging you? A secretarial job might be right up your alley. You need to use what you’ve got going for you.

When it comes to your first interview with your employer, try and “dress to impress” as the voices in my head say. A nice button-up shirt and pressed slacks are always a good choice. Just because you have an awesome Batman costume doesn’t mean everyone’s going to be impressed by it.

One big thing to try and avoid is using any drugs before the interview. Interviewers don’t like it when you eat all of the candy on their desk and tell them to stare at the blue giraffe floating outside the window.

Also, make sure to ask the right questions about the job. Questions like “What’s the dress code” and “What are my hours” are fine, but try not to ask “What does the job pay” or “If a tree falls on a mime, does he make a sound?” They might not see you as hirable material after that.

On the first day, be sure to come to work in your proper work attire, whether that is a shirt and tie, a monogrammed hat and polo, or a banana costume.

Make sure to acknowledge your boss and any people in the business that are more important than you.

Remember the golden rule: Butt-kissing begins from day one. Also, don’t be so happy to leave. When the clock strikes five, don’t go running out of the office screaming like you’re in hell with gasoline-soaked pj’s.

Jon ([email protected]) has to get back to his job of begging for change on Wooster.