Tales From the Front

You’ve been sending in more rules that you’d like the other sex to read, understand and memorize. So, here, without further ado…


1. When you don’t tell us your login password, it makes us assume you’ve been looking at porno sites.

2. When you won’t let us retrieve your phone messages, it makes us assume you’re cheating.

3. Columbus might not have stopped to ask directions, but he thought he was in India!

4. That piece of cardboard on the toilet paper holder means another roll is required.

5. It’s not our job to remember your mother’s birthday.

6. When we ask you to pick something up at the grocery store or drug store, try to get something close to what we asked for. No off brands; nothing generic.

7. When we give you a list, don’t forget it.

8. Slamming doors is childish.

9. If you will fill our gas tank and check our oil without being asked, we will consider it foreplay.

10. If you stand in front of the refrigerator, don’t just yell, ‘Where’s the mayonnaise?’ Look!


1A. Forget everything you’ve been taught about how it’s not nice to be selfish. Ask for what you want: time, attention, compliments, money, flowers, jewelry. You stand a better chance of getting it if you ask.

1B. If you get what you want, the value of the item is not diminished just because you had to ask for it.

2. If you don’t want me to solve your problems, either don’t tell them to me, or else, let me know that you’re just venting.

3. Independence is more attractive than you realize.

4. You are not the center of the universe. My moods, good or bad, are not always related to you.

5. For some reason, reverse psychology works best with us. If you want us to do something, act like it isn’t that important to you.

6. We don’t feel it’s necessary to acknowledge every comment you make.

7. If it’s a question of the carrot or the stick, we prefer the carrot.

8. If our pager interrupts our dinner, please don’t get an attitude and ruin the rest of the night.

9. If we work in an office surrounded by other people, and you know we work in an office surrounded by other people, don’t be offended if we say, ‘We can’t talk right now.’

10. When we say, ‘I’ll call you,’ but we don’t give a time or date, we really don’t plan to call you. So don’t wait by the phone and/or complain because we didn’t call. (We know this is not right, but that’s the way it is.)

11. When you say there are no good men out there, you hurt our feelings.

12. When you say there are no good men out there and then you go out with some handsome, charming guy who’s just looking for a one-night stand or dating several women at once or married, we think you asked for it.

13. ‘The Three Stooges.’ We love ’em. We don’t know why, we just do.

14. According to our mother, no girl is good enough for us. Don’t take it personally.

15. Just because you had a fight with your girlfriend, don’t expect us to stop talking to her, too.

16. We will be your bodyguard if some jerk starts to harass you. However, if you start it, you’re on your own.

17. We’re not modeling clay.

18. ‘Oh, I think you know why,’ is never an answer.

19. When you say anything short of ‘No!’ when we ask you out, we think you want us to ask you out again.

20. Michael Bolton has the same effect on us that fingernails on a chalkboard have on you.

21. When it comes to TV, Letterman, good; Oprah, bad.