Picture this: it’s 2004. Don’t remember what that was like? Me neither. The main thing here is I have an artifact, a morsel, a physical memory of daily life from that ancient and desolate era. A generation one Tamagotchi. Many people, when they see it sticking out of my pocket, ask me, “Is it alive?”

“No,” I say with shame, “The batteries died way back in ‘06.”

However, now that I am 22 with my own job, apartment and cooking skills, I thought this year would be the year I welcome my sweet baby back to life!

So, I did what every good parent does when they are expecting: went to CVS. I picked up a three-volt battery and rushed back home. I got the ol’ egg, unscrewed the back cover and popped in the battery — y’know basic baby-making 101. This was all just in time to witness the miracle of early twenty-first century infrared technology.

I’ll admit, my palms were sweaty, and I was breathing fast. What if I don’t connect with my child? What if class gets in the way of parenting or worse: I forget about this and end up killing it.

Pushing the furthest little nub thing on the right (remember, the three child-rearing buttons on the front screen?) I speck’d my child’s stats. Her name is Baqga (a family name), she is not hungry (phew!), she’s happy (going good so far) and her training bar is one-third of the way full (????).

The stats also show me that the “gender” is “girl.” Now that I think about it, I am a progressive parent, and I’m going to try my best to raise Billboard in an un-gendered environment. I’ll let Booger make Beanbag’s own decisions when Bratwurst reaches the adult setting, which, if I am as good as a parent as I think I am, will be in about five days.

Day 1

My first day of single parenthood, and everything is going great! Boppit is asleep and fully fed and happy. Also, I have figured out how to pause my child. They always do grow up too fast, y’know?

Day 2

Today I made a bone-chilling discovery. Even though I “paused” my child overnight, my child has been still active — behind my back? Is this allowed? I have also found the option to “discipline” or “praise” Beetlejuice. Even though I am hurt that my child disobeyed my “pause” orders, I still don’t have the heart to yell at Beano. Also, the time set on my Tamagotchi is all wrong, so in reality my child is a night owl who is only active around 4 a.m. (my time) — I’m sure I can fix this issue tomorrow.

Day 3

I can’t figure out how to fix this.

Day 4

HELP THE TIME STILL READS 4 A.M. (their time); BURNINGMAN IS ASLEEP AND THERE ARE NO TEXT OPTIONS TO WAKE ‘EM UP!!

Day 5

I have no time for this child, and I will pause Bakugan indefinitely. If this experience has taught me anything it’s that you should always remember to set your clock to the correct time or else your digital pet will suffer. Thank you for reading about my many mistakes, and please don’t ever bring this up to me in person.