Personality makes you good looking, not physical features

I had a really light-hearted, funny column written for this week. I scrapped it.

It’s not that I don’t want to provide my adoring readers with a constant supply of chuckles. I simply have a more important topic to discuss: the emphasis on looks.

This is where you say, “But, Stacy, our all-wise sex goddess, how does this relate to love or sex or relationships?”

To that I reply, it has everything to do with love and sex and relationships.

From a young age, people are conditioned to want outer beauty. The emphasis is visible in everything from “The Ugly Duckling” to Barbie to Miss America, the over-abundance of new reality TV shows, our constant fascination with Hollywood stars,”Maxim,” “GQ” and “Cosmo.”

Don’t believe me? Take a walk past the bars on a Friday night and listen in on conversations. You’ll be hard-pressed to find a group of guys discussing “the set of brains on that girl” or a group of girls staring at some “fine piece of cerebral cortex.” More than likely, you’ll hear that group of guys discussing the “tits on that girl” and the girls discussing that “fine piece of ass.”

And I’m just as guilty of drooling over some guy because he makes great “eye candy.”

But for those looking for a deep, meaningful relationship, I suggest you stop looking at outward appearance. The person you are looking for may not come in the package you expect.

Looks have never exactly been important to me in choosing a mate. Besides, I have rather strange taste in men when it comes to looks. I’ve always been attracted to tall, waif-skinny men. And short stocky men. And men with glasses or with perfect vision. And men with goatees or scruff. Men I’ve dated range from 6’2″ and 160 pounds to 5’6″ and 200 pounds. I’ve dated men of various races and ethnicities. I’ve dated clean-cut preppy guys and tattooed punks. What I’m getting at is I don’t date men based on their looks. My only “type” entails sweet, smart and funny.

I’ve found when looks are considered unimportant there is more time to get to know a person’s personality. And the personality is everything. Furthermore, getting to know someone may make him or her just as attractive on the surface as he or she is in personality.

Sadly, I cannot convince the masses of this, mainly because it is true that initial attraction is based on physicality. But when it comes to choosing a significant other based on looks, you may find personality is sold separately. That’s not to say personality and physical beauty can’t go hand-in-hand. I’m simply saying you’ll have a better chance of becoming attracted or more attracted to someone physically when you are attracted to his or her personality first.

Unfortunately, all the emphasis on looks has led to a second problem: confidence.

Would you believe that even I, your omnipotent love-sex-relationship columnist, do not think I am pretty? When my boyfriend recently told me I was beautiful, I almost cried. Similarly, a young man I know — whether he intended to or not — made me aware of the embarrassment he feels about his body. He has a scar here and there, and he has lost a great deal of weight, leaving some loose skin. He concentrates on those things and forgets that, aside from his amazing personality, his intelligence, his charm and his charisma, he is physically appealing to the eye — imperfections or no imperfections. He has beautiful eyes and a great smile. But he doesn’t see these things, he just sees the things he doesn’t like.

And we all have imperfections. It is what makes us special and unique.

So, I have a proposal. Let’s redefine beauty. I don’t mean the dictionary sense of the word, because, if you look it up, Webster will tell you it is the “qualities… that pleasurably exalt the mind or spirit.” What I mean is, let’s redefine beauty in society, because beauty is not skin deep. Rather it has nothing to do with skin or any bit of outward appearance. Beauty truly is what’s inside.