Bush deals out ‘cowboy’ justice

“There are some who feel like that the conditions are such that they can attack us there. My answer is bring them on.” That’s right ladies and gentleman George W. Bush, the President of the United States told the Iraqi militants attacking American troops to “bring it on.” I think most Americans would agree with me when I say this is exactly the kind of message the leader of the free world should be sending to a guerilla force waging war on behalf of a brutal dictator, and could in no way be described as arrogant, dangerously negligent or antagonistic. Rather, this is exactly the sort of cowboy justice that the civilized world needs more of, which is why I have a radical proposal for the Republican Party. Why not trade a minor league cowboy like Bush in for the greatest cowboy of all time? I propose that in 2004 the Republican Party run none other than John Wayne.

If people find it not only acceptable but admirable that Bush encouraged Iraqi fighters to continue their attack on US troops why not elect a president who could really get the Iraqi’s fired up?

Surely, if there has ever been a person who was up to the task it is John Wayne. What it boils down to is that if the President, and more recently General Franks, is going to reduce a bloody conflict to the status of a giant pissing contest who better than the Duke to call the shots?

The inevitable argument will be that John Wayne cannot possibly be taken seriously as a candidate for the nation’s top office as a result of his death in 1979; however I would like to point out that this did not stop him from staging a comeback several years ago in the form of a series of “Coors” commercials. If the Duke can return to promote beer what is to stop him from returning to assume the presidency, both positions are dictated by giant corporations and in terms of policy he couldn’t possibly do any worse than the current administration.

It is not as though deceased politicians haven’t been elected in the past. The precedent was set in 2000 when the people of Missouri chose deceased Gov. Mel Carnahan for a seat in the Senate over incumbent Sen. John Ashcroft, the future Attorney General. Prior to that election three individuals were elected to the House of Representatives despite the handicap of being deceased. If a dead person can be elected to both the House and the Senate what is to stop a dead person from being elected to the Presidency?

In the wake of the death of Gov. Carnahan, Lt. Gov. Roger Wilson succeeded him and swore to appoint Carnahan’s wife Jean to the Senate should Carnahan be elected. The reasoning behind this was undoubtedly that Jean Carnahan would be more than suited to make decisions in the same spirit as her late husband. If John Wayne were to be elected a council consisting of Jane Pattie, James Stuart Olson, Garry Wills, and Kinky Friedman, all authors who have written books on John Wayne, could step in and dictate the policy they believe the Duke himself would have set. Behind the scenes the people who know John Wayne best would be calling the shots as he would have called them, and the American people would have the greatest cowboy who ever lived digitally inserted into the Oval Office telling those threatening American interests everywhere to “bring it on.”

There is no point in doing something half way. If the American people are going to tolerate a cowboy president we might as well indulge ourselves and have the greatest cowboy of all time. John Wayne fought the Nazis, the Japanese, the Mexicans, and the Native Americans all the while waving the American flag higher than anyone ever has or ever will again, I’m sure he could handle both Iraqis and Al Qaeda, and unlike Bush, he could probably tell the difference between the two groups.