The race to become governor of California has become the running gag of the nation and rightfully so. While supplying an endless amount of material for Leno and Letterman, the fact is that there is actually something important at stake.
With such a wide field of candidates, California has the opportunity to do something there has been little chance for in previous elections. The opportunity to stop doing business as usual. With rare exception, there has been little interruption in the revolving door of leadership between Republicans and Democrats. The most notable exception to date, of course, is Jesse Ventura.
If California voters really want to make a change, they should avoid the status quo and established politicians. Even Arnold Schwarzenegger and Larry Flynt won’t shake things up too much as they’ve already established themselves within the party system.
To really shake things up you’d have to elect one of the minor candidates. They need someone with no political affiliation, which in this situation only narrows the field down to about a hundred candidates.
With this many choices it’s nearly impossible for a voter to cast an educated vote. Can anyone tell the difference between Richard Simmons (no, not that one), Bob Dole (no, not that one) and Michael Jackson (no, not that one).
Only three candidates who won’t do business as usual, yet still have a chance to win remain. First is Gary Coleman. I’ve seen Coleman interviewed several times about his campaign and from what I can tell, his platform is, “I’m thirty-five and a virgin, so pick me.” Maybe it’s just me, but if you’re in show biz, politics and from California, and claim to be a virgin, even if it is true, something is wrong. It sounds a bit like that “I didn’t inhale” line.
The second of my three candidates is Gallagher. He has the recognition and, unlike Arnold Drummond, has a well defined platform. His platform involves saving tax payers’ money, reevaluating workman’s comp, denying Charlie Manson parole hearings to save tax payers money and prohibiting state legislatures from voting themselves raises. The rest of his platform has been through the sledge-o-matic 3000, as he wants to get all the palm trees in California pruned, secede from the United States, and “put a dam across the Sea of California” (which isn’t in California).
My endorsement in this race goes to adult film star, Mary Carey.
Mary, for obvious reasons, isn’t billing herself the same way Coleman is, and surprisingly, her platform seems rather solid. Carey is out “to show people just because I have blond hair, big boobs and do porn that I am not dumb.” So far she’s been convincing. Carey supports legalizing gay marriage and plans to actively address the AIDS epidemic. Her other ideas are off the beaten path. She plans on taxing breast implants, which in California could raise a lot of money. Mary would also have the governor’s mansion wired with live web cams, to which people could pay to watch. Either idea is a sure fire way to earn the state some much needed cash.
The saying goes that the government won’t be able to take away guns until they “Pry it from [your] cold dead hands.” Some hands maybe busy doing something else if Mary’s plan to get guns off the streets, called “Porn for Pistols” goes into effect. I’m sure she’d be willing to use her employee discount to supply the movies.
Her most innovative idea is anyone who applies for unemployment is automatically signed up for jury duty. I don’t know what California pays its jurors, but around here its $8 a day. The unemployed get work, and the employed aren’t inconvenienced. It’s win/win.
If she were governor, she’d get things done. She’d ask the predominately male legislators to do something and judging from all the pictures I’ve seen of her with other candidates, they’d be more that willing to do it for her. She’d never have to worry about the governor being disgraced by a sex scandal. It’s not like she’s do anything unexpected. She’s the ideal candidate to shake up the status quo.
