It’s only been a week and the campus has already changed enough for the worse to provoke a column of minor gripes and pet peeves.

First, where did all of these students get the hi-tech cell phones? I must apologize, since I lived in a cave with an Amish family over the summer. Upon my return to campus, it seems everybody has a cell phone with enough bells and whistles to land on the moon. Granted, those mundane ditties which people pass off as ring tones remind me of the days of 8-bit Nintendo.

Next, I went into the McDonald food court only to realize they removed the sandwich bar. Like Joey from the show “Friends,” my favorite food is sandwiches. You can obtain sandwiches anywhere, but nothing beats the allure of making your own stack of four meats and two cheeses. Also, the campus has seemed to stop stocking bagels from Barry Bagels, and decided to demote its bagel supply by buying the store bought variety. As a self-titled sandwich guru, I should know that bagels and twist ties should not have to be found next to each other. Nevertheless, I can’t even erect my own turkey, ham, and salami sandwich at the “Macateria.” Founders, here I come.

One of the new residence hall rules hardly affects me, given my proudly announced sobriety, but it seems a little restrictive. Apparently, on-campus residents who are not at least 21 years of age cannot possess alcohol containers —- even if they are empty. I understand the logic. The beer can was once not empty. See how much trouble this underage consumption rule causes? Just change the legal drinking age to 13 years of age, and in time the dimwitted drunks will be cleaned out with the genetic poolskimmer. In protest of this new rule, I will tape an empty bottle of water to my door and write “KEG” on the front. If I don’t write another column, then you will know they caught me.

I don’t like the new on-campus parking permits. They are too glittery. The BGSU logo on the permit is a little too sparkly for my taste. I’m just glad they didn’t dip the parking passes in Elizabeth Taylor perfume and make the edges of them fuzzy. Didn’t I see something like that in The Shed?

And just who commandeered all the good plates and silverware on campus? I think the meat products around here are developing a natural immunity to plastic forks. Darwin was always afraid of this.

A lot of my money goes to the athletic department. They used this money to book football teams from the I-AA Division (which is an abbreviation for “Teams With Tiny Players, But God Bless Them, They’re Doing Their Best.”) It’s great to see our football team pick their teeth with teams such as Eastern Kentucky, but does the Athletic Department really want all of us to leave at halftime? None of us walked all the way across campus to watch the promising back-up quarterback. This is why our team was disrespected in the national rankings: their strength of schedule rivaled that of my intramural team.

The toilet paper in the bathrooms is not as absorbent. It seems papery, doesn’t it? It’s not as soft as last year’s. Although hygiene is important, comfort is a necessity as well. If I just ate something with hot sauce and later needed to visit the porcelain ATM machine, I don’t reach for the scouring pad. I study hard, so I earned it. I should be able to wipe myself with the same stuff God would use if he had to perform number two.

I’ve gotten this far and I have yet to mention Flexfunds. Personally, I’m not that outraged by Flexfunds. I have no problem eating at one of the other fine campus eateries. Besides, I didn’t like the colors of the Union. They should scrap it and build a new one. As for Flexfunds, I think it is a funny word. I like funny words. The reason Flexfunds is such a great word is because I can’t tell whether or not its connotation is meant to be beneficial to college students. “Flex” comes from the Latin word “flexilis,” probably meaning either “flexible” or “Steak Escape.” The word “funds” is actually a plural word of the word “fund,” which means “something college students don’t have because they spent so much darn money on their meal plan.”

Then again, this campus isn’t so bad. Where else would a newspaper not only let me write nonsensical rants without first seeing any sample writings, but also pay me for doing so?