Irrelevant Decision 2004

Matt Sussman

My fellow undergraduates, in a few short days you will be asked to make a decision for Big Man on Campus: Josh Benner or Matt Sussman?

Over the past few months you have been exposed to many messages. The messages from me have been entirely accurate. Sadly, the messages my opponent sends are very misleading. Allow me to explain.

The key issue my opponent likes to discuss concerns the controversial Flexfunds. He claims I am in favor of Flexfunds. However, I actually did vote against Flexfunds before I voted for them. Since I once voted against them, and the current polls say people are against them, then that makes me against them. And I’m older. I was here first. He copied off me.

My opponent will tell you that he is all for Pepsi and Pepsi-related products. However, countless news sources have reported that he has been spotted wearing Coca-Cola boxers. He sleeps in them at night. Is that the image you want of someone? He may say he doesn’t have a pair, but since he is my opponent, he is misleading all of you.

He will talk about tort reform. My opponent wants to reform torts — that is, reforming torts. Tortes are delicious pies, and my opponent wants to do something about that. He is tampering with a perfectly good dessert. What kind of Big Man On Campus would attempt such a reckless action?

I don’t wet the bed. I never did wet the bed. My opponent has come out and said that he has soiled his own sheets. He can run, but he can’t hide. In fact, there is a television campaign out there, “Bed-wetting Benners for Truth,” which outlines — in great detail — personal accounts of his moist mattress episodes from his own family members. Some of them may be estranged. Some of them may not even exist. The important thing to remember is that I did not fund this ad campaign in any way. That would be something my non-partisan evil twin would do.

If he tries to say I’m misleading, that is because he is the one who is misleading.

He brings up something I said in March about the Arizona Diamondbacks. While they had a substandard year, they were impressive given all the injuries they had. They broke Eric Gagne’s consecutive saves record. They had a perfect game, courtesy of Randy Johnson, the best left-handed pitcher ever. It’s not about wins and losses. It’s about heart.

You want to talk about embarrassing statements? In my opponent’s high school paper, he wrote about the curse of the Chicago Cubs, and in it he is quoted as saying “I think that I might buy a goat … for … a … girlfriend.” It is not important that the ellipses in that statement eliminate about 50 words apiece. My opponent explicitly says he wants a goat as a girlfriend. What does that say to the women of the campus?

I hold doors for women. I say nice things to women. I even date one. She’s not a goat by any means. She’s in a sorority. In high school, she was the prom queen. Last year she won Greek Goddess. She’s popular. That makes me popular by association. Anyone who would date my opponent would be misleading by association.

Most importantly, my opponent is a freshman. I question his record. He does not have the experience necessary to be called Big Man on Campus. I served as a young boy to the BG News, writing humor columns asking little in return other than something from my campus. I stand before you today and urge you, the students, to not ask what your campus can do for you, but what you can … (checks notes) … do for your campus.

Ladies, gentlemen and kind squirrels: I ask for your help in choosing me — Matt Sussman — to be your Big Man on Campus. I may not be big, and some may not even call me a man. But I am on campus. Occasionally.

I am the most qualified candidate. Not my opponent, the stupid, smelly, bed-wetting misleader.

I trust you will all make the right decision.

Lend your support to Matt at [email protected].

Josh Benner

I’m Josh Benner, and I approve this message.

I was speaking in Mendonville, North Dakota earlier this year and I met a young boy named Bobby Cratchit. His mother died four months before he was born, and his father had to work horrible hours in a widget factory. That factory closed a few months ago when they realized that widgets didn’t even exist. I was talking to Bobby, and he said to me, “Josh, am I ever going to be able to go to college?”

I could feel my eyes welling up with tears, but I had to put up a strong front for the boy.

“I don’t know son. If I have anything to say about it, there will be, but Matt Sussman and all of his bourgeoise friends in Washington are trying to hold people like you down.” You should e-mail Matt sussman ([email protected]), and say, “I want my country back, Matt Sussman.”

I’m running for this office based on the issues, but my opponent is trying to side step them, with all of his rhetoric, and big words.

Matt Sussman will talk about Coke and Pepsi, like he’s for equality, but if you look at his record, it is clear that he has a Coca-Cola agenda. Coke is one of the biggest contributors to his campaign, and I’m going to tell you something that Matt Sussman wants you to forget, which is the fact that coke owns Columbia Pictures who made the movie White Chicks. Is that the kind of man you want in office? Is that the man you want representing you?

I believe that we have the right to drink any soft drink that we want. For the good of this nation, we cannot have an established soft drink. I can see a day when I see a table with a man drinking Coke, one drinking Pepsi, one drinking Mello Yello and one drinking Slice. So when you cast your ballot: be a winner, vote for Josh Benner, and we can turn that dream into a reality.

Then there’s the fact that we have Flexfunds, and Mr. Sussman has played both sides of this issue, and it’s hard to get a reading for where he stands, but I can say this to you. Read my words, “No more Flexfunds.” The dining services say that if there aren’t Flexfunds, too many people will eat in the Union, and the other cafeterias would lose money. Here’s an idea, why don’t they start running a more efficient business?

People who go to college and spend thousands of dollars should not have “the man” telling them where they have to eat. This isn’t Stalingrad. This is America, and it’s not the America we have to live in. But it’s the America Matt Sussman is trying to force upon us. Well I say, “NO! I will not accept that way of living. I will not cast a vote for mediocrity.”

Let’s also face the indisputable fact that I am far better looking than Matt Sussman. It’s like Paul McCartney against Ringo Starr. Matt Sussman once went to a beauty parlor, and it took four hours … for an estimate. He’s so ugly, he jumped into a swimming pool and the water jumped out.

And I’m not trying to pander to my constituents at a college that’s nearly 60 percent girls. No matter who you are, you shouldn’t want Dilbert representing you.

Before this baseball season started, Matt Sussman picked the Arizona Diamondbacks to win their division, and they ended up losing more games than any team in Major League Baseball. He said it was because they were his favorite team. This guy has no sense of judgment. And if you don’t believe me, just go to Google, type in his name, and go to the first Web page you see. It’s all there. He can’t hide from the past.

If you read his different stances, he doesn’t even know what tort reform is. The man thinks it’s something pertaining to food. Wrong! It has to deal with frivolous lawsuits, which I’m against.

In closing, I just want to encourage you to go out and vote (for me), no matter who it’s for (as long as it’s not for Matt Sussman.)

We have all of these different terms in our political lexicons nowadays: pro-life, pro-choice, pro-war, pro-gun, pro this, and pro that. Well my friends, I am pro-you. Vote for me, because a vote for me is a vote for you.

Vote for Josh. E-mail him at [email protected].