President Bush, a Shakespeare actor?

George Valko and George Valko

Many uninformed and biased observers have been calling our president stupid for the last four years or so. Unfortunately for them, they are wrong. It appears to be much worse than just a simple case of the stupid president. In an October article by James Fallows in The Atlantic newspaper, an interesting analysis of our president is presented. According to the article, President Bush is a victim of “pre-senile dementia.”

The analysis is based upon comparing debate footage from this year and from 1994, 10 years earlier, when Bush was running for governor of Texas. In debate footage from 1994 one can see a well composed, articulate and commanding George W. Bush stumping with the best of them. However, the George Bush as seen in this year’s presidential debates is a lost, scared and frustrated president who has lost all command of the English language.

Some speculate that Bush has done this on purpose to appeal to our “dumb” population of voters. As Mr. Fallows says in his article “George Lakoff tried to convince me that the change was intentional. As a way of showing deep-down NASCAR-type manliness, according to Lakoff, Bush has deliberately made himself sound as clipped and tough as John Wayne.”

In response to Fallows’ article, Dr. Joseph M. Price wrote into The Atlantic saying “Slowly developing cognitive deficits as demonstrated so clearly by the President can represent only one diagnosis, and that is pre-senile dementia.” Alcoholic Anonymous counselors have another name for the loss of intelligence that seems to be plaguing President Bush, “wet brain” or “dry drunk syndrome.”

Dry drunk is a colloquial term that describes someone who has stopped drinking, but who still demonstrates the same alcoholic behaviors and attitudes. In other words President Bush has drunk himself stupid. Footage of before and after George is available at

This reporter finds these “facts” hard to believe and have come up with my own theory as to why the President Bush of now is not the same as the President Bush of the past. Who else besides President Bush puts strange pauses in his speech? Who else has been gallivanting all over the world to promote justice? Who else considers himself a rough and tumble kind of character? There is one man who fits all of these descriptions and is, like Bush himself, a cowboy, or at least a space cowboy, like William Shatner.

After having this epiphany late last week, I spent the majority or my weekend finding a connection between our two heroes, and I found one on Tuesday. Through my connections at the Pentagon I was able to deduce that a hidden passion in President Bush’s life is his love of acting.

In the spring of 1996, then Governor Bush enrolled in a class at the local Y entitled “Shatner’s Guide to Shakespearian Acting.” According to eye witness reports Bush and Shatner immediately hit it off, and Shatner took young Bush under his wing. During a Shatner original play entitled “Othello II: The Wrath of Iago,” Governor Bush inadvertently stepped into a worm hole and found himself on the Starship Enterprise.

In testimony taken from a CIA interview with a Lieutenant Uhura, it is revealed that Bush, who was in shock at first, quickly adapted to his new situation and became a valuable member of the crew. Such testimony, which is also backed by a Chief Engineer Montgomery “Scotty” Scott, shows Ensign Bush frequently volunteered to go on dangerous “away missions” that led him to the surface of several unexplored planets. Despite being assigned a red uniform, Bush walked away from all skirmishes unharmed. As Science Officer Mr. Spock is noted as saying “It was a highly illogical outcome.”

However, on one such “away mission” Bush was kidnapped by the Klingons and forced to take a mind altering drug so that the Klingons could learn of the Federations war plans. Though drugged, our brave president refused to give away any secrets, and was able to escape from the heartless Klingon bastards during a guards “potty break” as the president would later describe to his fellow crew mates. However, the Klingon mind altering drug had terrible effects and was deemed by the Enterprise’s doctor, a Dr. Leonard “Bones” McCoy, as incurable.

How President Bush was able to return to our time remains a mystery to this reporter. However, it is a testament to President Bush’s strength and perseverance that he can still serve as president of our great nation. A CO- CIA/Star Fleet investigation agree that the Klingon drug and the Shatners tutelage have combined to bring you the George Bush of today.

Officials at the highest level of the authority were only willing to admit this off the record. But all signs, including the Enterprises ship’s log, point to the conclusion I bring before you. I have received many threats regarding the publication of this information: Expulsion, deportation, reduction of flex funds and even torture (consisting of listening to the best hits of Tim McGraw.) But I believe that it is every citizens’ right to know the personal history of our president.

E-mail comments to George at [email protected].