I had resigned to myself to live my life alone.
I had begun dating some women a couple years back, but I struck out mostly. I had lived with a woman for four years in my twenties, but she was not “the one.”
As a big man, I had a stock line. I liked to say that “God gave me three things: good vision, straight teeth and a great mind. As far as my body went, God rolled snake eyes.”
Of course, my body issues caused me to hate myself, which in turn kept me from dating for years. I was as Neil Diamond wrote, a solitary man.
While this life was one of nullification and depression, I was determined to not “settle for.” Most people get to “settle down”; the less classically handsome are tempted to “settle for.” The woman I lived with in my twenties is someone I know would have married me — I truly believe that.
I just did not want to be married though; I wanted it all or nothing.
The first step was opening myself up emotionally again. This meant I might get hurt and get hurt I most certainly did. In my past, I would have never let myself get hurt at all. If by chance I did get hurt, I would shut my feelings off and lead a life of darkness and quiet despair. Luckily for me, I did not retreat. I decided to fight the good fight for once in my life.
I am not going to lie to you, my faithful readers. I got lucky, make that very lucky. I met a woman named Rachel. A child of the 1980s like me, she was not a girl.
Also like me, she had her share of heartaches and triumphs. She was educated, smart, funny, pretty, deep, loving, caring and a fantastic mother. Somehow, she saw something in me and we hit it off.
The beautiful part of being middle-aged is realizing what you want and taking it. With Rachel, I did not waffle, I did not hesitate. I fell in love quickly and I did not fight it. She made me happy and made me feel whole. I had found my soul mate and I was not going to sabotage this like so many times before.
I moved fairly quickly. We drove for hours on a sunny January day as Rachel wondered why I was so spacey. I was not a good conversationalist that day at all. As the day was ending with our dinner, I asked Rachel to marry me.
No hesitation — no doubt — she was my destiny. I was not “settling for.” I was not desperate either; I had grown accustomed to living life alone and was not afraid to do just that.
As I stated before, I got lucky.
Dec. 15, 2012, a day came I just knew would never come: my wedding day.
Rachel honored me and continues to do so by being mine. When I wake up next to her, I know that I am not the worthless human I thought I was for all those years. I now know that I am worthy of all the best things in this life, none better than her love. I am truly blessed.
For those of you out there feeling alone, there is hope. For those of you out there feeling unworthy, there is hope. For those of you out there feeling forsaken, there is hope.
Just 16 months ago, I was one of you. I was not happy about it either. I put myself out there and I was rewarded with a love I could have never fathomed in a million years.
Do not give up. Do not despair. Do not “settle for.” If someone as good as my wife Rachel can see past all my hurt and gloom to the real me, then you will find love.
I am living proof that loneliness is only permanent if you let it be.
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