I know the compliment’s coming, but I’m not sure I can handle it today.
After all, I’ve run my fingers through my hair one too many times; it’s greasy and matted. I overate for dinner; I feel bloated and uncomfortable in these high waisted jeans. I don’t feel beautiful and I’m not about to accept a barrage of people telling me I look amazing with poise and grace.
I awkwardly stand in the middle of a hallway and twist my body in on itself when I hear, “Michele! I just wanted to say how beautiful you look today!” This is followed by my inner voice going, “Stop being weird. Why can’t you
be confident?”
But it’s too late. After a cheeky reply, I walk away from the battlefield wounded.
Even though seconds ago I experienced a sincere gesture of kindness and appreciation, my self-esteem has taken a hit.
Granted, this doesn’t happen every time someone has the kind initiative to dish out a few good vibes, but it happens frequently.
Upon having a conversation with my partner in Grounds For Thought, I let the words, “I wish when people said that they think I look beautiful, I can confidently reply back, ‘Thank you. I know,’” escape out of my mouth.
I blushed. I view this as a selfish tendency. I wouldn’t be able to let myself be prideful in such a way.
But it didn’t settle right.
While being able to confidently say “I know I am beautiful” is an unhealthy state of mind, isn’t NOT being able to confidently say “I know I am beautiful” an unhealthy state of mind as well? I let it stew for a few minutes and decided to come back to it later.
However, in brainstorming for ideas, my mind kept slipping back to the times in elementary school when I would look in the mirror and wish I were old enough to wear makeup because I wanted the red spots on my face to be hidden.
When I was in junior high, I wore enough makeup for half the girls in my grade. Once, when a friend in high school told me how to put on makeup oh-so-perfectly to make it look “natural,” my obsession with hiding my uncomfortable skin condition became solidified.
My mind wandered to all the times my teachers, peers, friends, family and even complete strangers would approach me to comment on how red my face looked that day.
Finally, my mind landed on the reason why I can’t take a compliment.
I’ve never thought I was beautiful. I’ve never thought I was going to be a head turner. I trained myself to make compliments feel foreign to me even though I experience them almost every day.
I’m not saying this to be sad; I’m saying this to reach out to all the girls, young women and women who feel exactly the same I did, the same way I have and the same way I do.
Whether it’s due to girl on girl bullying, a skin condition, a scar, a bad relationship; almost all of us struggle with the idea of beauty. It’s a big problem that we all have to fix individually, but a problem that we can work on being aware of.
It calls to mind the quote, “Be kind, for everyone is facing their own hard battle.”
Be brave. Be aware.
Be beautiful.
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