Jan. 22, was a very odd day but also very divine.
The very events that took place on that Sunday still leave me deeply in thought to this day.
The day seemed typical until the h2o Church service.
After praise and worship, one of our God-inspired pastors shared us a sermon that shook my heart.
He spoke about how we go through suffering and struggles and how we share those things with others after we get through them with God’s grace (II Corinthians 1:4-5; II Timothy 2:1-3).
I wasn’t affected by his message alone. Throughout its duration, I held back tears as a beautiful object lie still before my seat as it reminded me of my past.
I yearned to find a girlfriend in high school. Not only was I unsuccessful, but many of my attempts led to impasses that turned into strong obsessions.
I’m not at liberty to give details on the “who’s” and “what’s” that took place, but I will say that these obsessions forever changed me.
I did things that will always haunt me. While I was trapped in my obsessions, other people, like my sister (who I love and miss), noticed the signs I was blinded to see.
As recent as three months ago, I was labeled a “creeper.”
I cannot even look at girls the same way. And, I won’t even consider the thought of dating at this point in my life.
My immaturities and insecurities can’t handle the intensity of emotions required in a relationship right now.
With this said, something was telling me to take action and apologize after the service. But, learning from mistakes, I initially refused and consulted two colleagues from church for advice.
I bolted to the Rec after service to meditate and ask God why this had happened.
On my way there, I passed people I had transgressions with this past school year. It was like God was throwing together a movie of my life with his friendly humor.
There was reason why God allowed my pastor to preach this message coincidentally on the same day I sat behind this certain person, I thought. I just couldn’t understand why.
Smooth jazz pianist Brian Culbertson played the perfect tune to this strange day – “I Don’t Know.”
One of my colleagues from church did tell me that it sounded like I was changed just because of how much concern I had about my struggle.
They also reminded me about Deuteronomy 31:8, which says the Lord “will never leave or forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
They told me not to worry or dwell about my past sins or what people have called me; I have a companion that will never leave my side and help me get through any thing.
As for this person, I wouldn’t be able to converse with her if I ever wanted to.
All that I would be able to say is that I thank this person and others like her for inspiring me to write this column you read.
I wish I could get to know this person, just like any person, but it’s not even tangible in my world right now. I’d hope that this person would be able to understand me or forgive me like God has forgiven me.
And, finally, I would love to proudly say that I’m over my struggle, but that would be a lie.
I can say, however, that I’m more cautious.
Until I feel like I can shamelessly have romantic feelings for anyone, I will not remove the cage from that part of my heart. All I desire to do is get to know and hone my skills in interacting with people in general before I’d be open for dating.
I put all my trust in the Lord Jesus Christ to put it in his hands and allow him to work someone in my life when it’s time.
Please read my column next week, as I would love to share with you another struggle I’m dealing with.
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