Don’t forget: you are special, full of purpose

Columnist and Columnist

I sometimes struggle with “being myself.”

I’m so soft-spoken and shy that raising my voice feels like an awkward chore. I remain silent in most classes because I’m afraid of sounding stupid and disconnected. And I’m not an articulate speaker.

I will turn down every karaoke proposal. You should thank me because I should only sing in the shower. And I can’t dance.

I shouldn’t tell jokes. Not even crickets would chirp. I’m too serious to be a comedian.

In fact, I’m so serious I take even little things personally. I sulk and I hold on to hurt for months.

I’m a follower. I don’t have any leadership abilities.

If saw you me, you’d think I am somewhat athletic. “Somewhat” is the key word.

I was once a stalker and labeled a “creeper.” I came to a point in my life where I wanted to change, but I couldn’t escape the rut I dug myself in. It was like being stuck in a tar pit.

Then, on Nov. 13, 2011, God delivered me, and it literally took a “wake-up call” for me to rededicate my life to him.

I’m still very cautious of myself and my actions, apparently.

One of my friends once said “I would love to be Phil Martin.” I wonder why he wished that.

Even with the friends who surround me now, I’ve felt lonely and unsatisfied. At times I’ve felt like this whole college experience is going by too fast. Someday this is all going to end and I won’t know what to do with my life. I fear that I’ll be disconnected from all my friends, I won’t find a job and I won’t get married.

Many people I know have their future plans mapped out. Some know how they’re going to use their spiritual gifts to help people and advance the kingdom of God.

I feel intimidated. Many of my friends and colleagues seem more gifted than I could imagine.

I kind of hate it when people ask me what my spiritual gifts are. I rely so much on people to tell me what they may be. However, I discovered my two highest spiritual gifts are faith and discernment, but I don’t how to use them – I have no story yet. And, I still wonder if I have any more gifts.

I’ve felt like I haven’t enjoyed my life since middle school.

Even though I desire to maintain strong friendships so I don’t feel so lonely, I’ve wanted to run away from everything just so I could be by myself for awhile. Sometimes I’ve felt that no one would miss me if I disappeared.

I sometimes took the easy way out. If something seemed too hard, I gave up. If I felt hurt or felt like I hurt someone else, I punished myself and started running away from things I loved. Twice, I almost gave up this column.

I’m not the smartest guy. Despite finishing the spring with an overall 3.77 GPA, I got a 22 on my second attempt on the ACT.

I feel like I’m not really special at all.

Some days I’ve felt kind of messed up and only good at (and good for) writing and nothing much else.

I feel like I’m not alone in this.

Although we can all relate with some of these thoughts at times, we can forget what truly matters.

It seems so elementary, but we can forget what we are truly like.

We might think at times that we were a mistake or waste of skin, but God made us in his image. Starting with the first man, he gave us attributes and beauty that resemble him (Genesis 1:26-27).

Someone showed me that the negative thoughts of myself – based on people’s perceptions of me and Satan taking advantage of my weaknesses – really disgraces God. He created everything I can and cannot see, yet he took the care and time to create me.

Some of us feel that we’ll be forgotten. Well, in a sense, like the wind blows away weeds in a field, we will be (Psalms 103:14-19). Our lives are so small, like space dust, but God remains sovereign and mindful of us.

I wish I could share more about how our lives are full of purpose, but I ran out of word space this week!

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