I’ve observed an intriguing and indicative trend in my columns as of late: every single one I write is self-referential in nature, they’ve been exceptionally whiny and

filled with loads of phony existential philosophy and indirect references to emotional distress (a bad habit of mine) and I think they’re an outward manifestation of a burgeoning self-esteem problem in the deep recesses of my gray matter. Every time I write a new column, I feel a little bit melancholy, and sometimes a mysterious lassitude consumes my body after the column’s completion.

Now of course, such fatigue and feelings of unpleasantness are short lived (and usually expire within about 30

minutes of my completion of a column), but they’re becoming more and more frequent in how I tend to experience them.

I keep writing about the ways I feel, think and act here at college, and these columns

I write (including the one you’re reading right now, dear reader) are becoming a sort of moping-heavy personal journal for me to document the “deepness of my thoughts” and all of the “trials and tribulations” I’ve had to endure in my time at college.

Wow. I can be ferociously self-indulgent and self-deprecating at the same time!

Am I turning emo?

No.

I’m actually turning into a surreptitiously cynical egotistical jerk with emo tendencies.

So I guess that makes me emo-tistical.

But, unfortunately, that previously-mentioned bit about a newfound self-esteem problem is, according to my analysis, entirely accurate.

Don’t worry; this isn’t anything serious. I’m just referring to the ways that college life can cause one’s self esteem to drop.

But I guess that I’m just not tough enough. After all, resilience and mental fortitude are not characteristics that I would necessarily classify myself with.

Now is this statement really true, or is it a lie fabricated by my self-purported minor self-esteem problem?

And my other personality quirks don’t help to solve things, because when my habitual indecisiveness is mixed into the equation, things only become more opaque and uncertain.

My indecisiveness really is a problem for me. It automatically makes me take everything I hear from other people (opinions, philosophies, lifestyles) with a hearty dose of blatant skepticism.

This tendency stems from some residual nihilistic thought patterns in my brain.

The good thing about it is that it helps me to consider all kinds of different viewpoints and to treat them as if they were all equally credible.

But, that advantage comes with a significantly negative side effect: I can’t make up my mind about anything.

Morals, religious beliefs, spirituality, philosophical life outlooks, lifestyles, social activities and opinions about anything all get stamped with a giant gray “NEUTRAL” from my point of view.

I seriously can’t make up my mind about anything controversial or non-absolute.

My desire to remain open-minded about such topics has resulted in complete

and total homogenization of my opinions about everything.

Although my emotions may still contain preference for certain explanations and types of thought, my logic often overrides it immediately.

In other words, while my immediate “gut” reaction to something might be to lash out or approve willingly of someone’s opinion, my mind comes in to negate such emotions.

It’s almost as if I’m losing some of my humanity.

If there’s anything I know about life (and I know barely anything about it so far), it’s that life is about giving yourself a reason to live. Sometimes we are given reasons to live. Other times we must adopt new ones.

But my emotion-killing logic seems to have essentially neutered a vital part of my humanity.

Sure, I may be a little bit more open-minded because of my habitual decisiveness, but the cost of it is that my passion seems to have partially left me.

And what is life without some passion to kick you out of bed at 8 a.m.?

Maybe I’m being really whiny. Or maybe I’m really having a hard time with this whole . . . crap.

There goes my indecisiveness again.

See what I mean? I can’t even form opinions anymore!

– Respond to Levi at [email protected].