I am apparently at fault for not telling some people where I went about a week ago. This article is my apology and my story. Yeah, I know the story would have been funnier if I had a scene where Will Ferrell was beating up Elmer Fudd, but I’m not made of money. But everyone has a right to know to my whereabouts, although I may have not been classified to tell you at the time.

They took me away from my temporary home in Bowling Green and temporarily stationed me back at my permanent residence, which I am not able to disclose, so we’ll just call it “Area 51-Toledo.” I hear stories of how these missions are glamorous and noble, but I fail to see the beauty or even my objective. For that first week, I was so tired. I didn’t have any appetite. I was unsure of my future. I was vomiting.

My lymph nodes were swollen. I played football with the Lions and I only beat them by 14. I knew something was wrong with me that my commanding officers were holding from me. One graphic scene I thought would be forever embedded in my head was 25 men of various ages and races choking in the desert, but it just turned out to be the Yankees. (On a side note, wasn’t that a very cool World Series?)

I didn’t stay at my post long until I started to throw up under the pressure. I can only wish that was a metaphor. I was sent to the hospital where I was treated with IVs and a decorative gown. And it was clear what had happened to me. I was diagnosed with mono, the most deadly disease which was Latin for “one.” It wasn’t pretty. This illness crippled me. I slept for 20 hours a day and lost the will to eat. I would wake up spitting up phlegm that collected in my sore throat overnight. I turned to Ensure as my main source of nutrition. Little kids would pay fifty cents each to push me over. Ladies and male people, I don’t know what glamorous stories you may have heard about mono, but they are all lies. You don’t want mono, contrary to what anyone tells you.

I may not be fully recovered, but I am fighting back. Round the clock rest lets me watch or listen to anything I want at any time, so I can finally listen to the entire Bob and Tom show starting at 6 a.m. Not only that, but I have kept myself occupied with the likes of Game Gear and Snood. Plus I taught my dog Sophie a few tricks, like playing dead, playing chess, and attacking the neighbors at random.

So here’s the deal: Avoid mono. Avoid anything with the word mono in it.

Stay away from monorails, monogamy, monotheism, Japanese kimonos, monochrome color schemes, David Letterman’s monologues, and Mr. Peanut’s monocle. Do this and you won’t suffer the same fate I did. Plus you won’t miss two weeks of school. But mono won’t get me down. In about a week I’ll be back at college microwaving stray animals in no time. Then I’ll probably get tired and go to sleep. But it will be a proud sleep, one of victory.

Thankfully, Matt is now feeling better. To send belated “Get Well” sentiments, please email him at: [email protected]