If the cavemen are remembered for nothing else, they gave us the gift of fire. The gift was so powerful, it became a dangerous part of society. We were left with no choice but to invent technology to warn us of the coming of the inferno that is fire. I guess the cavemen weren’t as smart as we thought they were.

Fire makes things hot. Anyone with third degree burns can tell you that. And it’s good to know that when the epileptic flashes enter the room, I know to exit quickly.But this technology needs to be better. Anyone can just pull down a fire alarm. I know for a fact it’s illegal to scream “Fire!” in a crowded theater, much like it is a crime to shout “Dingo!” in a crowded Australian day care.

These pranksters go unscathed with the pesky crime of making us go up and down flights of stairs to the incessant buzz of the fire alarm.

However, I’m not so much concerned with the culprit’s sheer boredom as I am with blindly accepting the fire alarm system that we know. It makes for a more interesting story.

Now since this is my ceremonial first article in the BG News, I know I have to be careful with what I say.I don’t want the “man” to get the wrong impression of me. Once everything is said and done, I hope angry protesters don’t mummify me in duct tape and hang me from the top of the library using a fire hose.I?m afraid of heights.

I’m sure I have company when I recall the good times of fire drills in high school. They got us out of turning in homework and taking pop quizzes.

In college, all it does is take up our precious time.

Therefore, I propose that we do away with fire alarms in the following situations:

If it’s raining. Think about it. If we’re sleeping.We really don’t like being disturbed during quiet hours. If we’re studying, watching TV, eating ramen noodles, doing laundry, playing multiplayer internet games, or anything that is really, really important.

I know what you’re thinking. What if there is actually a fire? Well then, I feel the smoke detectors should start playing the Jimi Hendrix song of the same name, followed by neon arrows pointing the way to the exits.I have a hunch that neon lighting is useful in mass hysteria. If you learned anything from the movie “Towering Inferno,” don’t run to the top of the building. But if you learned anything from “The Simpsons,” Jose Canseco will eventually save you if you are trapped in the building.

I feel that I have gotten my point across. That doesn’t mean I’ll go easy on the weather alarm. I’ll bite my lip on its early time slot, 10 AM.

But if it’s a test, could you just say that it’s a test? One time I was sleeping and early in the morning the weather alarm went off. I looked out the window and realized that the only natural disaster that would occur would be the Sun landing on Doyt Perry Stadium.

I haven’t forgotten about our cavemen friends in my conquest for peace.

I think about what they did when fire spread in their caves.Did they make Grog fetch water?No, they improvised!Dinner merely came early for them.

If you saw a park bench on fire, don’t try to remember the number for 911. Just shout, “Who wants Johnsonville Brats?”

Now before the easily offended try to offend me back, I suppose I should throw together a makeshift disclaimer – not just for this article, but for all my thoughts. In no way do I endorse the consumption of Australian infants. All forms of fire is hot; I suggest that you take my word for it.

There’s nothing funny about the fiery sun crashing into the intramural fields. But most importantly, the only way I would dismantle a fire alarm is if the alarm double-dog-dared me.

Matt is a new addition to the BG News family. For more stimulating views on fire, please e-mail him at [email protected]