There’s something about minorities that intrigue me. It could be the camaraderie, the visionaries, or just another case of me pulling for the underdog. I can’t put my finger on it, but I want to get in on that action.

There’s the obvious one, race. But I never liked racing. I ran a mile in high school gym class and it took eight minutes. Converting to a lesser known religion could be another way, but I’m already part of a very small religion. It doesn’t have a name, because I haven’t come up with one yet. It’s basically me believing that God is a cross between Eddie Van Halen, Steven Wright, and the Arizona Diamondbacks. As for a sex change? I doubt I’ll have to resort to that. But we’ll call that “Plan B” for now.

My conquest might be lost before it already started. But as I handle my knife and fork in a peculiar way as compared to the common masses, I come to the realization that I have been a minority all my life. No, it’s not being an Amish electrician.

The bitter truth is I’m left-handed. If nobody can accept that, then shame on them. This is who I am. This is how I was born. All right, this isn’t how I was born. I chose to learn to write with my left hand, but that doesn’t condone the inexcusable treatment us southpaws live with every day. What is so wrong with functioning completely on the other side of their body? All we do is play second fiddle to the concepts of ice cream scoops, can openers, scissors, and handshakes. Apparently you’re a bad dancer if you have “two left feet.” People with bad vision “see out of their left eye.” Those who are not up to date are considered “out in left field.” Inventors manipulate the way we use our hands. Thomas Crapper, the inventor of the toilet (I never grow old of his name), put the flush on the left side. I take this as in insult from Crapper! His left-handed discrimination subliminally told society that left hands are good for nothing else but flushing toilets. Cars are completely discriminatory. The right hand gets the important duties such as starting the car and shifting gears. What does the left hand control? Windshield wipers, washer fluid, and headlights. I can conclude nothing else except Henry Ford’s bigotry. American road systems have people driving on the, you guessed it, right hand side. Therefore, left hand turns are far more difficult. In a typical classroom, it’s rare to even have one or two left handed desks in a room of at least thirty. So no more than one in fifteen people write with their left hand? That number is considerably larger. Try one out of five. Just like Moses said about the Israelites, left-handed people will eventually triumph because our numbers frighten our opponents. There are a few inventors on our side, however. I can guarantee that the fridge was invented by one of us. Refrigerators traditionally have handles on the left. Sure, we have to use our right hand to open it, but that leaves our left hand for the more important task: getting something out of the fridge. Also, if I chose to write my paper in Arabic, my hand would not get pen smudges on it as I write from right to left. Like all under appreciated groups, we have our notable figures. You thought we didn’t contribute to society? Tell that to some of our most prominent liaisons: Da Vinci, Einstein, Newton, Nietzsche, Napoleon, Churchill, Picasso, Twain, Michelangelo, Hendrix, Hoover, the Babe, Chaplin, de Niro, O.J., Clinton, Leno, Shaft (you’re damn right), Seinfeld, Pele, Oprah, Reagan, Beethoven, Alexander the Great, Julius Caesar, Steve Young, Keanu Reeves, Ferris Bueller, Inspector Gadget, George Michael (is that a good thing?), Randy Johnson, Julia Roberts, Tom Cruise, The Boston Stranger, Billy the Kid, and Jack the Ripper.

So if you’re ashamed at which angle you throw a ball, don’t be. You’re not alone. Ignore all those right handed bullies. You are not clumsy, awkward, or maladroit. To me you are beautiful. Show your watch off on your right wrist! You’ll know exactly what time it is. Go Diamondbacks.