Dear loyal, intelligent, and far from nerdy readers: If you read my last article about women [which you probably didn’t], you’d know that it was “offensive,” so I had an inbox full of barely legible hate mail from people who think that writing in caps lock makes me care about their feelings.
I thought it would be only fair to write a similar column about men. This is a dangerous situation to get myself into because although women complain a lot, men lack the mental capacity to solve problems without violence, so there is a very good chance I’ll be pummeled by a group of burly men stretching their arms out and shaking their chest from side to side saying, “You talkin’ trash? Come on! I’ll throw down!”
Braving a potential beatdown, I decided to go ahead and write. The only problem was I sat down at my computer for seven hours and couldn’t think of anything negative to say about men. [And my editor informed me that copying and pasting “men and women are equal” 200 times to reach my word requirement didn’t count as an article, but I think he was just being sexist] [Ed. note: Pure lies!]
The time came when I had to fulfill my duty as a serious journalist; I asked women what they disliked about men, and most of them [except the one that screamed, “Pervert!” and doused me with pepper spray] had some valuable input.
Driving
Men are way too arrogant when they drive – especially in their oversized pick up trucks [insert trite genital-compensation joke here] while tailgating you on the highway.
Evidently driving unsafely with their hats on backward, leaning back in the driver’s seat with one arm on the wheel, and blasting loud rap and/or country music makes them desirable to women.
Why drive so fast? Are they on their way to another date where they believe that with a 99 cent Hallmark card they’ll get what they’re truly after: one, maybe two minutes of satisfaction?
The pickup trucks aren’t the only things that go too fast”
Competition
Winning and sex: the two priorities of the male mind. Have you ever played Jane Goodall, hid behind a couch with a notebook, and observed the male in his natural habitat?
Chances are you’ll see one crowded around the television in his Doritos stained sweatpants with his buddies, insanely grunting and swearing at the inanimate television screen over the success [or lack thereof, if you’re at a BG game] of their favorite football team.
Men are violently passionate over these games – apparently they forget that yelling at the screen, and being obese to the point where they seep off the couch like some sort of fat slinky, isn’t quite the same as actually playing for the team.
Don’t even get me started on Halo 2 – cussing and swearing so frequently into their headsets you’d think they have Tourettes Syndrome. No, it’s not enough just to beat the other player in the game; you have to insult them, their mothers and their social popularity [as if the guys addicted to Halo 2 aren’t all in the same friendless boat].
Bar Activity
Guys, contrary to popular belief, just because you buy a woman a drink doesn’t mean she has to go home with you. Men have no idea what women want, and think they’re playing it cool by grabbing a woman’s butt or giving her an awkward shoulder massage on the dance floor and saying “Heeyyy, baby!” You’re not being cool, you’re being creepy.
And for that matter, women don’t care how much alcohol you have in your system, you’re still not a good dancer and you’re not doing the robot properly. Also, the girl who dumped you three weeks ago doesn’t want you to leave her a teary-eyed voicemail apologizing and asking for her back.
Shockingly, despite the male belief system, “I’m not interested,” surprisingly means, “I’m not interested.” It does NOT mean, “Please use another lame pickup line and ask me if my jacket says ‘Made in Heaven’ on the tag.” [Her jacket is made in China just like everything else: toys, clothes, roast cat, etc.].
To help make communicating between the genders easier, I’ll give the women out there some insight into the male mind: wherever he is, or whatever he’s doing – even sleeping – he’s thinking, “I would like to see you naked.”
So come on guys, let’s change our ways and treat women maturely with the respect they deserve – otherwise we won’t be able to convince them to do our laundry.
Colby ([email protected]) is hiding in his room playing Halo 2 in case any men have this article read aloud to them.
