Take a look around you right now – the cool kids aren’t reading newspapers (education is for nerds), instead they’re in the back of the classroom texting, discussing alcohol, and my personal favorite: “mackin’ hoes” (just like all the cool rappers).

Fitting in is the greatest feeling in the world. You know that feeling you get when you think you’re out of fries, but when you look in the bag there’s a whole bunch of fatty potato goodness gathered at the bottom?

Or when you find out that the kid who made fun you in high school just contracted herpes? (Who’s laughing now, Ted?)

Well, fitting in is kind of like that, only way better. A lot of you think that fitting in is simply wearing GAP clothing and singing old Madonna and Depeche Mode songs just like in the commercials.

And while those commercials were very cool, you still have a lot to learn:

Attention through sympathy

This is a great one, because as you know, people love that person who refuses to do anything except feels sorry for himself without any good reason.

Nothing is cooler than exploiting a serious mental condition for social gain – kind of like faking Tourette’s Syndrome so you have an excuse to scream profanities into the faces of small children.

To accomplish this all you need is your AOL Instant Messenger and/or Facebook profile.

First, simply put in a message about how much you miss the person that broke up with you three years ago.

You will also want to include depressing lyrics from your favorite whiney band like Good Charlotte or Simple Plan. This will show people how much angst you’re filled with.

Finally, in a small font at the end of your profile put in an inspirational quote about love.

This lets everyone know that despite the hardships you’ve suffered (like you’re out of space on your iPod) you’re still willing to continue your courageous fight for happiness.

Now, there are going to be a lot of purists who tell you that you don’t understand what “true hardships” are.

Do NOT listen to these people. They’re only jealous of how popular you’re becoming.

Choosing the right friends

People don’t like you for who you are (and can you really blame them?) – they judge you based on who you hang out with.

This is why it’s essential to become friends with people who are more popular than you.

“How do you do this?” you ask, you friendless moron. Well, the easiest way to do this is to buy their friendship.

You may have heard the common myth, “Be yourself.” This is false – being you is what got you into this friendless mess to begin with. Instead, be who everyone else wants you to be.

Pretend to like everything they like. If they shoplift, you better be stuffing copies of the Wayans Brother’s “Little Man” in your jacket (just kidding, nobody would steal that movie).

Remember, your values, morals, and personal identity is completely expendable when it comes to making friends.

Look as wealthy as possible

Being rich is important because it lets people know you’re better than they are.

For example, don’t be nice to people. Rich people can afford to not be nice, so make it look like you can too.

My favorite way to look rich is to raise my hand in class and wait for my teacher to call on me.

Then I demand that he or she get me a cup of coffee. This lets my fellow classmates know how rich and powerful I truly am.

And as you know, people are attracted to money and power. How else could K-Fed have become so popular?

Colby ([email protected]) is still waiting for his coffee and cream…