Finding out Victoria’s secrets

Colby James and Colby James

I like Victoria’s Secret as much as the next guy, since it’s an accurate representation of how women are supposed to look. As we all know, nothing is hotter than a woman who wears very little clothing, high heels and oversized angel wings just to prove that by respecting herself for all the wrong reasons and objectifying herself as a mere sex object, she’s doing God’s work.

Fortunately, the same impossible standards of beauty do not apply to men – otherwise all guys would have to look like me to get dates. And have you seen the male underwear models? Unlike their female counterparts, the male model body image is unattainable and all Photoshop: nobody is that muscular and furthermore it looks like they have a Jim Henson’s character stuffed down there! How unrealistic!

But surprisingly as much as I love Victoria’s Secret, I visit that store about as frequently Kramer watches BET. That store has some serious problems. It portrays women as sex objects and suggests that women should be respected for their bodies, but now let’s talk about the negatives.

The first thing you’ll notice upon entering the store is that they have strategically placed all 402 employees two inches apart from one another. This is to ensure that you can’t take three steps in a row without being asked if you need help. After all, who wants to just browse in peace?

You’ll be able to recognize these employees due to their snazzy black apparel and state of the art headsets used for asking important questions like “Can I go on break now?” and “Do we have this teddy in blue?”

Remember to avoid joking with any of the employees, as they all take their job way too seriously and act like their store isn’t one step away from becoming a sex shop.

Come on, they work in an underwear store but dress like they’re secret service agents – what kind of scam are they trying to pull?

After punching your way through the sea of annoying employees, you’re bound to stumble across the famed four-mile wall of lotions. Of course it’s impossible to find what particular lotion you’re looking for amidst all the 972,000 varieties that all do the same thing, so you just sort of wander around and giggle at the sexy names: Forbidden Fantasy, Bare Bronze, Hottest Body, etc.

Once you’re done snickering at the naughty lotion names and continue looking around the store, the next thing you’ll notice is a deep feeling of resentment blossoming in your heart – you’re left with no choice but to hate yourself for not looking like an anorexic mannequin.

When you finally finish your shopping experience, you’ll be horrified to find out that your bank account has severely depleted. All you bought was two pieces of underwear so thin that it can be doubled up and used as dental floss, and now you have to sell your kidney and perhaps your pancreas (depending on the season) just to afford them.

By the time you leave the store you’ve experienced misery, self-resentment, bankruptcy, and the loss of vital organs – and for what? Some underwear you’re too self conscious to wear and a pink paper bag with a picture of a hot, nearly naked woman on it – the bag that I’m going to hang directly over my bed as soon as I get home” I guess it’s not all bad. She knows what she’s doing.

Colby James [email protected] does his lingerie shopping online.