Editor’s Note: This is a satirical piece. Onions.
Winter Wonderland was a huge success here at BGSU! There was a makeshift ice rink, fun to be had all over and a train for … some reason. The event was a grand idea, and should serve as the blueprint for any future fun activities that appear on campus. There’s just one problem: it wasn’t a swamp.
Specifically, it wasn’t Skrek’s swamp. You know, everyone’s favorite green ogre, Shrek. Shrek has grossed over $484.4 million according to the internet, and has made one whole me overly excited and sweaty. Has Winter Wonderland ever done either of those things? Heck no! That is why I am officially imploring BGSU to recreate Shrek’s Swamp the next time they decide to make a creative event.
Just imagine it: bugs everywhere. An outhouse fit for all to do their business as they please. Children of all ages running in terror from the wretched stench of ogre. Pedestrians from all over, coming to marvel at the remaking of Shrek’s beautiful house. Students trying their best to cross the vast mudslide and dying in the process. You read that correctly. Frankly, if they can’t cross that glorious mudslide, they didn’t deserve to live anyways. And finally, ass. A jack-ass that is,. Donkey. Shrek’s trusty and noble stead. How many campuses can say they’ve acquired the one and only talking Donkey? He’ll be a great main attraction, and in the morning, he’s making waffles.
Shrek did not climb to the highest tower, rescue the princess, marry the princess, turn the princess into an ogre, turn the ogre back into a princess, turn the princess into an ogre again, impregnate the ogre and have three ugly kids to be disrespected. BGSU needs this like Tom Brady’s son needs a kiss on the mouth. And hey, this would be a great opportunity to showcase the underrated bangers that tickle the pickle of everyone who enjoys the Shrek soundtracks. Need a headlining act? Smashmouth. Need a special attraction? Fairy Godmother singing “I Need a Hero.” Finally, you need some culture added to your setlist? Say no more. Puss In Boots singing “Livin’ La Vida Loca.” Greatness personified. Not to mention everyone would get to put up their lighters to Rufus Wainwright’s version of “Hallelujah” a.k.a. the greatest cover since ever.
The time has come for BGSU to go green, and I’m not talking about recycling. BGSU needs to prove to it’s loyal Falcons that it has layers. Like onions! Recreate Shrek’s Swamp, BGSU. If you do not give in with my demands, you will leave me with no other choice. I will run around campus in my underwear.
You have 24 hours.
