Upon hearing about a “flame war” one may visualize two groups of people battling with all sorts of neat fiery weapons: fire-tipped arrows, sulphurous rain and kittens drenched in lighter fluid.
Alas, incendiary ammo has nothing to do with a flame war. It’s just two losers arguing over the Internet about something stupid. (Although if I crushed your hopes of cats on fire, I can still make that happen.)
It takes a certain caliber of person to spend time arguing with people on message boards and in chat rooms, and that caliber requires hours and hours of free time before Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim comes on television.
People can flame about any topic. Let’s examine how these virtual duels might look.
About rap music:
HeyYa19: “outkast rulz, he is f’real and duznt sell out like yo boy 50 cent.”
FreeStylin50: “WHATEV LAMER, FITTY COULD KICK YO BOY’S AZZ NE DAY OF WEEK!!!!!”
About Dungeons ‘ Dragons dice:
HalfElf27: “20 sided dice r AWESUM!!!”
BillyGreyHawk: “WTF?!?!? Every1 knos 10 sided r much better cuz you can roll them twice and get a percent lol.”
But after all the typos and lame acronyms, these Internet opinion gurus are hiding from the excruciating fact that they won’t be getting laid any time soon.
Of course, not all flamers resort to messy spelling and excessive punctuation errors that would make your English 112 teacher cry in shame. But they all have one unifying theme: arguments never change the other’s opinion, never stay on topic and typically wind up discussing the pros and cons of the other guy’s momma.
Therefore, HalfElf27 is most likely to respond to BillyGreyHawk’s percentage comment with “yeah well there is 100 percent chance your mom is great in bed.”
But there is one clear difference between this flame war and mainstream cyber-tiffs. Judging from HalfElf27’s screen name (besides knowing he is not a purebred elf and therefore fails to bake delicious cookies like his Keebler brethren) he frequents a more nerd-friendly setting: IRC.
This chat application — which stands for either Internet Relay Chat or Idiots Ruining Civilization — acts as a geek sanctuary. The more technical tantrums occur here, as opposed to traditional message boards that stick to today’s gripping issues like “American Idol” and ’80s hair bands.
But IRC flame wars are more fun to watch, for if a non-nerd were to watch 20 minutes of IRC’s scrolling text, he would be more lost than a freshman in Eppler. Then he would say “uh…” for 20 more minutes and later his head would explode like a feline doused with gasoline.
After all, the average person little to no knowledge about the card game “Magic: the Gathering,” and 99.8 percent of discussion on IRC deals with this game — the other 0.2 percent involves the remark “brb, I just heard someone’s head explode!”
You’re saying, “But Matt, people don’t actually argue over Magic cards.” Sadly, it’s true — although it opens the potential for talk of sweet fire-shooting weaponry. Better still, preliminary data suggests there is an outside chance they will mention usage of these weapons on kittens.
Indeed, today’s flame wars are useless and generate enough hot air to power every talk radio station in America. But flaming could bring peace on Earth.
Suppose the United States and North Korea settled their differences through heated Internet exchanges. It’s a natural fit, considering both countries often act like 25-year-old virgins.
EmperorKim57: “usa u r all jerks we have da bomb and well kick all ur a$$!!”
DonnieRumz4: “omg nkorea u are all a bunch of lamerz. but ur mom is da bomb … in bed roflmao.”
EmperorKim57: “shut up, U SUCK and so does fitty cent!!”
Although the very idea of Kim Jong Il and Donald Rumsfeld arguing about rap music is strange enough, at least they would never argue over “Magic” the Gathering.”
They both like the same cards.
Your mother can e-mail Matt at [email protected], lol!
