Spring break is just days away! You know what that means: a week relaxing at home in the tropical island suburb of Chicago, then back to Bowling Green for another nine months of snow, ice and dead squirrels.

But look on the bright side: the cold weather will eradicate any cockroaches that lurk in my futon, and I get the double bonus of being dragged to the ice rink every three days or so to “rekindle” my “skating spirit” from childhood.

“Rekindle?” Who are we kidding? If I had any kind feelings toward my ice-skating past, they exist as distant memories, along with several permanent scars on my tailbone.

And while I’m sure it will be fun driving five hours back to Illinois with a foot that has lost much of its ability to move around, everything will be all right — until I arrive home, because with the way my professors are assigning work, I may just be sitting at a desk doing homework all break.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that (if any of my professors happen to read this). But, you know, there’s a reason why it’s called “spring break” and not “spring work.” I forget why, but I know there’s a reason.

While I may not be traveling to any exotic places like Antarctica or North Korea during my spring break, I know some of you will be, and I prepared a little travel guide just for this occasion.

What’s my expertise with foreign nations, you ask? My grandmother is Canadian (or an alien, but it’s the same thing), my sister is in Italy right now (looking for a hunky husband, although she denies it), and once I sat through 10 minutes of a movie about people who used to live in Africa.

Although I’ve never traveled outside of the country, once I stood at Niagara Falls, looked over at the Canadian side and wondered, “Do they only have one bathroom with three stalls too?” It’s a fact of life — you’d think that the world’s largest rushing, gushing, watery, dripping, roaring, sloshing, waterfall-y thing would have ample bathroom space, but someone wasn’t thinking. That, or the Canadians stole some toilets.

I don’t recommend going to Niagara Falls for spring break. For one thing, you won’t see anyone go over the edge in a barrel, which is a rip off. Despite that it’s free, I still expected to see people flying off in barrels left and right. You can only stare at water rushing over a ledge for so long before you either a) wish you hadn’t run out of diapers in Pennsylvania, or b) never want to see water again for the rest of your life.

But I digress — if you’re traveling abroad next week, here are some important things that you need to know:

1. It’s not too late to start exercising. If you haven’t started working out, you’re only two months behind everyone else. This is not a problem, according to my math research team, which estimates that all you have to do for that lean, sexy body is 27,000 sit-ups a day, for the next three days. I’m lying, of course — about me having a math research team.

2. Drinking the water won’t hurt you. Hundreds of people have told you how water in countries like Mexico has parasites, diseases and small rodents. Of course people are going to tell you this, because they’re brainwashed by the U.S. government — brainwashed by American drinking water!

There’s nothing wrong with Mexican drinking water, but there’s everything wrong with the tap water in our country. If you travel, consider yourself lucky to be free of mind-controlling substances in our water, and enjoy your new life filled with fun, happiness and possible bouts of diarrhea.

3. Skin cancer is a lie perpetuated by old, ugly people who are jealous of our good looks and fun-loving lifestyles. Their obsession with scaring us into wearing SPF 50 sunscreen is ridiculous and driven only by anger and greed. If they were young, happy and had hot bodies like us, these silly rumors of “skin cancer” wouldn’t exist. So lay outside in the sun for 12 hours every day next week, because nothing says “sexy” like skin fried to a bright orange.

Keep these tips in mind when you’re flying to Acapulco, Grenada or wherever it is college kids party during spring break.

And if you happen to find an ice rink, turn around and run like hell.

Jim likes spring break but wishes that Illinois was situated directly on the equator. Drop him a line at [email protected].