News is important — duh, a journalist is gonna say that.

But one of the driving forces behind newsworthiness is novelty. Without novelty, the weird news fetish that flows through my veins would not exist.

In a world of community, progress, hope, freedom, war, suffering, oppression, tragedy and odd happenings, the latter category gives us something to smirk at while reading the news. Thanks to dumb criminals, creative minds and amazing coincidences, media consumers can have something interesting to share with their friends during the commercial break.

With that said, here’s our chance at informing you of the other side of news you need to know — everything from an X-rated college play to the slowest police chase in history.

New calendar will feature the oldest wood in BG

BOWLING GREEN — The city tree commission is searching for the area’s 12 largest trees. The winners will be featured in a calendar.

It will be the only non-obscene time a calendar will be sportin’ wood.

— Source: Toledo Blade

Anderson Arena backboard breaks under Soler power

BOWLING GREEN — BG basketball player Mawel Soler tried to dunk during pre-game warm ups. He succeeded. However, the backboard didn’t.

As a result, Sunday’s game against Miami was delayed more than an hour. The backboard’s family will not be pressing charges.

— Source: The BG News

Drunken man steals beer, speeds off at almost 2 m.p.h.

CLEVELAND — A Fairview Park man tried to steal a 12-pack of beer from a grocery store. This is a pretty normal story, until we learn of the getaway vehicle: a motorized scooter designed for the disabled.

Suffice to say, it didn’t work. The drunk shoplifter was arrested for theft and disorderly conduct, but not drunk driving.

— Source: Cleveland.com

Dramatic play featured great acting, casting … and nudity

FAIRBORN, Ohio — Wright State University’s production of “Quills,” a play about censorship in society, became quite popular on campus, because the lead actor was fully nude during most of the play.

The play received a standing ovation from the crowd, and thankfully not one from the lead actor.

— Source: Dayton Daily News

Sperm was a gift, but not meant for impregnation

CHICAGO — An appeals court ruled last week that a man can sue a former lover because she became pregnant six years ago using semen she got from oral sex.

On a day where the judge probably tried his best to keep a straight face, he can sue for emotional distress because of the “surprise pregnancy” but cannot sue for theft. Theft of sperm. That’s a new one.

— Source: Associated Press

Former Attorney General subs for swear word

WASHINGTON — A foreign airline is replacing curse words on their in-flight movies with the name of an former Bush administration Cabinet member.

The Argentinian airline Aerolineas is showing the movie “Sideways” on their flights and dubbing over the “A” word with the word “Ashcroft.”

Hollywood’s not arguing.

— Source: Washington Post

Arrested man’s bribe of fast food fails to tempt officer

MARATHON, Fla. — After being arrested for battery at a local bar, Steven T. Denton tried to bribe the police officer with McDonald’s cheeseburgers in exchange for his release.

Two cheeseburgers, specifically.

The bribe, which would have exceeded a dollar, didn’t sway the officer. Now Denton faces a bribery charge.

— Source: keynoter.com

Botched burglary featured undressing, accessing porn

SOUTH JORDAN, Utah — He’s only 18 years old, so maybe he’s new to this whole burglar thing.

After the burglar stole some items, he tried to dial 1-900 sex numbers, log onto the Internet and look at porn. He also undressed and put on women’s clothing.

He escaped when the residents returned home.

His wallet didn’t.

Police arrested him soon after.

— Source: KUTV.com

Blind man thanks guide dog by beating it up in public

EDINBURGH, Scotland — Man bites dog. Seriously.

David Todd is being charged with animal cruelty after the blind man allegedly bit his guide dog and kicked it repeatedly, according to eyewitnesses.

At least someone saw it, because the suspect sure didn’t.

— Source: Associated Press

Man with broken heart cuts off something he doesn’t use

AHMEDABAD, India — A man cut off his penis after years of sexual frustration.

Bachu Mafabhai, who four years ago was dumped by his fiancee, “could not sleep for nights on end,” he said. So last week, he did the logical thing and castrated himself.

— Source: The Times of India