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The BG News
BG24 Newscast
November 30, 2023

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Guys’ rooms dirty until girls smell it

Time to do what I do best: analyze another difference between men and women and ultimately decide that the male way is superior. (The BG News does not promote sexism.)

This week’s Iron Chef column ingredient: CLEANING ROOMS.

Suffice to say, guys and girls organize their rooms differently, the main difference being girls wash with something called “a damp rag” and put stuff in “dresser drawers.” Guys clean their room by taking two piles of dirty clothes and merging them into one giant super-pile. Then we push all floor items out of the way to make a pathway from the door to the bed. (Sometimes alternate pathways are built to the computer and the Xbox.)

But the misconception girls — more commonly known as broads — have about guys is that we don’t have any hang-ups. But I, along with many fellow dudes, have several neuroses, which is why all my columns must have exactly 17 typos.

My room is not chaotic. It’s in perfect order, right down to the puddle of mayonnaise.

My underwear purposely smells in case I go blind and must locate my room. (The BG News does not endorse open dialogue involving my undies.)

You say my bed’s unmade? It was too! It was made by the manufacturer. Now they’re crying because of what you said.

As for the dead penguin, it was there when I moved in. It was just my idea to hang it from the ceiling fan.

But every guy’s room must be cleaned if they’re at college, because Residence Life frowns upon freeloading over the summer. (As does the BG News.)

Why clean during the school year? While broads — more commonly known as chicks — carefully fumigate their rooms on a convenient interval (the time between “Desperate Housewives” and “The O. C.”), guys reserve that final week to clean out their room with a little help from their secret weapon: the parents with the big ol’ cardboard box.

But this method won’t fly if you want to date a chick — more commonly known as a dame. When courting a young lady, things could turn sour when if the amorous couple moves into a bedroom that smells like a cheese factory in the Sahara.

Coincidentally, both the guy and the girl want to clean the room. But their common desire is fueled by two polar opposite goals: the girl wants to change a man, and the guy wants to engage in heavy petting.

And the room cleaning begins with the most controversial step: tossing things out. Many objects are no-brainers to trash — used Q-Tips, pizza boxes, incriminating evidence — but the removal of some room items could result in intergender fisticuffs. (The BG News does not endorse domestic violence. I think.)

Such as my … er, that is … the guy’s toy plastic football. Sure, it’s small. And it’s been under the bed for the entire school year. And I don’t remember where I got it. But these arguments aside, I plead to keep it, because “I just want it real bad!”

Hey, it worked in second grade with my mom and the Super Soaker 3000.

But for some strange reason that didn’t convince her. So I repeated himself, because that always works. Repetition is the key to memorization — and the secret to constant bickering.

The next step is cleaning the clothes, which I am told is called “laundry.” This involves breaking down the massive mound of clothes and sorting them by size, color and number of holes.

Handling the undergarments may be the most gruesome task because dirty boxers can develop a central nervous system and fly across the room, latching itself to your face.

The final task is the most emotional, but it has to be done to ensure a clean room and hopes alive for subsequent tonsil hockey. You must ask “Encino Man” star Pauly Shore to leave, because he’s been camping out in the corner for years.

Hopefully this column has broken down barriers between the genders and will ensure total peace and accord among the rival sexes. And if not, that’s OK — that will stay consistent with everything I’ve written up to now.

Especially since I again declare guys better than girls.

The BG News does not endorse e-mailing Matt at [email protected].

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