When you hear the name “United Nations,” what do you think of?
If you’re like me, you’re probably thinking of Cheetos right now, for no reason other than because you’re hungry. But if you happen to be one of those so-called “normal” people, you’re probably thinking of that international organization tasked to keep peace around the world and work in the best interests of everyone.
This standard, cliché description is only slightly correct — what they don’t tell you in high school (besides how to get the ladies, and also, what that meatloaf was made out of) is that the United Nations is useless. That’s right, I said it: the United Nations is about as useful as your average man, which is to say, not at all, Unless you need a microwave taken apart and never put back together again.
How did I manage to make this mind-blowing discovery? Well, let’s just say it involved a lot of prescription drugs and a little bit of that mysterious place we call the Internet.
But really, I came to this conclusion after reading a week or two ago that the U.N., in an effort to prevent nuclear terrorism, had approved a global treaty that made it a crime for terrorists to “possess or threaten to use nuclear weapons.”
Now, maybe I’m just being cynical, but is this treaty really necessary? It seems that it serves no purpose other than to tell people that nuclear terrorism is bad, which was sort of obvious in the first place, unless you happen to be a mongoose who doesn’t know right from wrong.
But what do I know? I’m just a humor column writer who’s never even been inside the U.N. building. It seems that the people who actually created the nuclear treaty are quite proud of it, in a paternal sort of way.
Stuart Holliday, U.S. deputy ambassador to the U.N., was quoted as saying, “The nuclear terrorism convention … will strengthen the international legal framework to combat terrorism.”
But of course, Mr. Holliday —- and since the legal consequences of international terrorism are doing such a good job of preventing it thus far, why not make it more illegal? After all, maybe the terrorists just don’t know that what they’re doing is wrong, like Kobe Bryant or the guy who created Teletubbies? If only we had more international laws regulating the creation of annoying children’s television show characters.
It just seems common sense to me that terrorists, as people who are already breaking international law, would have no qualms about doing something else illegal in order to achieve their aims. I can only imagine how terrorists around the world reacted to this treaty:
TERRORIST 1: Let’s get us some nuclear weapons, Bob.
TERRORIST 2: Didn’t you see that the U.N. made possession of nukes a crime, Jerry? No way am I getting involved in this. I don’t want to be known as a criminal!
TERRORIST 1: You’re right, Bob, I guess we’ll just have to make do with this anthrax and a subscription to Martha Stewart’s magazine.
The world is saved again by the quick thinking of the brave people at the United Nations! I honestly don’t know what would happen if they weren’t around. Our lives would probably be ruled by some sort of color-coded warning system that assessed the daily terrorism threat and provoked mass hysteria with an “orange” or “red” rating. At least that hasn’t happened yet, right?
I’m no expert, but it seems that the U.N. is more useful when it helps out tsunami victims and gives money to poor people than when it tries to scare hardened criminals. It’s almost like the U.N. is in a giant Barney suit and they’re trying to stop Michael Jackson from (allegedly) being near little boys. Not going to happen, folks. In fact, Jackson would probably steal the Barney suit.
But if the world wants to pretend that the United Nations has even a little bit of power, then why not hop on the bandwagon as well? After all, we have better things to do with our time.
Like take apart a microwave.
Jim will be back with his regularly scheduled columns next fall. Get your summer fix at [email protected].
