Everyone on campus acts so nice on President’#39;s Day. The dining centers were immaculate. I walked into the Dial, and it had a big sign ‘Welcome to Bowling Green.’
‘Awwww,’ I thought, ‘it just makes me feel so warm and fuzzy.’ It was delightful. For one day out of the year, this school becomes a Utopia. Everyone is happy (aside from the 87 million high school students), and it’#39;s a joyous time.
With all of that said, man am I glad that they’#39;re gone. Now we can get back to making fun of them. They all try to look like they’#39;re not high school students. Hello, the big tour group that you’#39;re in kind of gives it away there. Not to mention that half of them are wearing their high school letter jackets.
Then again, we were all in that same boat. Sometimes I look at stuff I did — stuff I thought was cool at the time, and I think, ‘Wow, what a loser.’
For instance, last year when I visited here on President’#39;s Day, my cousin who was also visiting and I, walked around campus doing fake Southern accents.
The first time I visited BG, when I was a junior in high school, my mom made me wear khaki pants and a button-down shirt, because she thought that my appearance would impact whether or not I was accepted. What were they going to say? ‘Ooh, jeans, Mr. Benner is most certainly not Bowling Green material.’
So I can definitely empathize with the high school students who were here. When I saw them walking around campus on Monday, they all had such rage-filled expressions on their faces. It’#39;s just so boring. I don’#39;t think anyone actually likes doing a campus visit. I mean, the parents love it; if you look close enough at a tour group, you’#39;ll see people’#39;s parents taking notes. Well sort of — what they’#39;re actually doing is writing down questions that they will mercilessly ask their kids on the way home. It’#39;s like a CIA agent trying to break a member of Al Qaeda in an effort to get information out of them.
Parent: ‘So what did you think?’
Child: ‘It was good.’
Parent: ‘Rooms were pretty small.’
Child: ‘Yep.’
Parent: ‘But you’#39;ll get used to that.’ (laughs)
Child: (wonders why they are laughing) ‘Yeah, I suppose.’
Parent: ‘It looked like they had a variety of food.’
Child: ‘Mmhmm.’
Parent: ‘I mean, sometimes, you might not even have to get a full meal. Maybe you could just get a bagel or something, and that could be your meal.’
Child: ‘Yeah, I guess so.’ (thinks to self: ‘I wonder what would happen if I were to jump out of this car.’)
Parent: ‘They also had a lot of fruit. That’#39;s good. That way you could get a sandwich, and maybe an apple or a salad.’
Child: ‘Sure.’ (‘Yes, because the very first thing that I consider in any endeavor is whether or not I’#39;m going to be able to get all of my B-vitamins.’)
By this point in time, the parent will say something completely ridiculous and off-topic.
‘I don’#39;t know if you’#39;ve thought about this, but it might be a good idea for you to get one of those three hole hole-punchers.’
The kid’#39;s response: ‘You don’#39;t know if I’#39;ve thought about it. Of course I haven’#39;t thought about it. I don’#39;t care. I’#39;ll take the edge of my pencil and jam holes into the paper if that’#39;s what it takes, REST ASSURED THAT IT IS UNDER CONTROL!’
Sometimes parents will make completely obvious observations. ‘So that would be where you sleep.’ Yes, that’#39;s generally what beds are used for.
Or what’#39;s even worse is when they start talking to other parents. It’#39;s a real think tank right there. Parents sort of get this competitiveness when they talk about their kids.
‘Our daughter Chloe is valedictorian, captain of the soccer team, set a school record in hours of community service, and she spends her weekends reading to blind, deaf, mute homeless orphans. Yes, she’#39;s practically perfect.’
‘Well Josh is on the newspaper, and … well … what else do you do?’
As Mother turns to me, I’#39;m pretending to be a Southerner. ‘I do declare Jebidiah, that they’#39;s mo’#39; people here than their were at aunt Bessie’#39;s hog roast on the Fourth of Ju-ly.’
‘#160;
For a tour of campus (he knows all the sidewalks), e-mail him at [email protected].