Remember the Valentine’#39;s Day parties that you had back in elementary school? You’#39;d get a box of Valentines of your favorite cartoon and everyone would make little mailboxes. There was always that one kid who completely went all out and put everyone else in the class to shame. They’#39;d build like a walk-in mailbox.
You get those little candy hearts. They’#39;re actually my favorite part of Valentine’#39;s Day. On the package, they say ‘Conversation Hearts.’ What kind of ridiculous conversation would that be?
‘UR swell.’ Oh, thank you very much. ‘I heart you.’ Then they’#39;ll start to blush, ‘Be mine.’ By this point you’#39;re thinking, ‘This is moving too fast too soon. Where did I put that heart that said ‘#39;it’#39;s not you, it’#39;s me?’#39;’
Some of those hearts can be a little condescending. I’#39;ve seen some that say ‘Get Real,’ or ‘U Wish’ or ‘What part of ‘#39;restraining’#39; order do you not understand?’
I saw one that said ‘page me.’ What the heck is that? This is 2005 — who in the world still uses a pager besides drug dealers? Yeah, after I fire off that page, we can hitch up the horse ‘#39;n buggy, head down to the river front, and check out the latest film at the nickelodeon. Ooh, and then later on we can crank up the phonograph machine, and listen to the latest Fontaine Sister’#39;s glass record.
Besides that, who would have their sweetheart page them anyway? I mean, think about it logically. Why not just have them call you? Why would you have them call your pager, so you can hear it beep to see that you’#39;ve been paged? What are the people at the candy heart companies thinking about?
I’#39;ve seen other hearts that say ‘fax me.’ Once again, why? I can just see that in 40 years. Some woman is talking ‘your grandpa used to fax me the most beautiful letters.’
Maybe I’#39;m being too nit-picky about this, but faxes and pagers just seem so archaic. I’#39;m looking for a heart that says ‘smoke signal me.’
As I’#39;ve already mentioned, those little hearts are my favorite part of this holiday. I’#39;m not a big fan of it. Why? Well for the exact same reasons that so many other people give. It’#39;s a holiday for card and candy companies.
I was at the store the other day, and literally all that Snickers, Milky Way and all of these other companies do is change the colors of their packaging. I noticed that they even have Valentine’#39;s Day candy corn that’#39;s red, pink and white. But instead of being called candy corn, it’#39;s called ‘cupid corn.’
I don’#39;t know if the farmers do anything special when they grow it or what; but I have come up with some other holiday ideas for candy corn. For Christmas, we could have ‘Kringle corn.’ For St. Patrick’#39;s Day, ‘O’#39;Candy corn.’ And for Easter, ‘Cruci-corn.’
I see those heart-shaped boxes of chocolates, and I’#39;ve always wondered why the image of a heart looks like a ‘V’ underneath an upside-down ‘W.’
Why is the heart itself even associated with love? People say they know things in their hearts, but last time I checked, the heart doesn’#39;t do any actual reasoning or thinking. Don’#39;t get me wrong, I’#39;m not trying to sound all high and mighty like I’#39;ve never said it, but when you think about it, it doesn’#39;t make sense. The heart is just a muscle.
Instead of saying ‘always follow your heart,’ wouldn’#39;t it be more accurate to say ‘always follow your conscience?’ But I digress. This is getting far too philosophical for the tommyrot claptrap that is Just Joshin’#39; Ya that we all know and love.
As for those heart shaped boxes, they are so far off base. They don’#39;t look at all like a real heart. I think that if they did, Valentine’#39;s Day would be about as popular as Guy Fawkes Day.
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Send Josh a 21st century valentine — send him an e-mail at [email protected].