A couple weeks ago, I started hearing Christmas music playing on the radio, which can only mean one thing…Thanksgiving.
However this year’s Thanksgiving will likely be a bitter sweet holiday for many of us. A very sullen and somber time as this will be the first time in a decade when we will not have a Thanksgiving episode of Friends. What on earth will we do?
Seriously though, I love Thanksgiving. Last year when I came home, I was in my dad’s car, and all of a sudden I hear this Hawaiian sounding music, and I’m thinking to myself, “Is this what I think it is?”
And my dad says to me, “So are you a fan of Jack Johnson?”
It was a sad moment for me, because I leave for college for a few months and come back to find that my dad had metamorphosed into a 15-year old girl.
Or have you ever been at Thanksgiving dinner, and you have like an aunt offer you some food that you haaaaaaate, and you’re like “No thanks.”
She says “Oh, but you’ve always loved cauliflower.” And you’re thinking “Huh, what in the world gave her that idea?”
And, there is that one relative who comes who both of your parents despise. Your dad freaks out the night before, “No, I don’t want that man in our house!”
It’s always some crazy uncle, he’s like “Yeah, I actually invented the blender, but I forgot to get a patent on it.”
Speaking of patents, I think I have a million dollar idea. Apparently vegetarians have fake turkey that they eat on Thanksgiving. It’s called tofurkey. It doesn’t really taste like turkey, it tastes like bleh (yes, that’s a taste. It’s sweet, sour, salty and bleh). Cauliflower would also count as a bleh tasting food.
But there’s tofurkey, and, it’s just a blob of tofu that looks like a turkey. What I’m going to do is start making tofu tacos and open a restaurant called Tofaco Bell. Similar to Taco Bell, we would use grade-R tofu.
Tofurkey would certainly be a lot easier to make on Thanksgiving than the real thing. Whoever makes the turkey always has to start way in advance, it’s like planning a space shuttle launch, “Yes, I actually started thawing this turkey out the day after Thanksgiving last year. It’s still a little bit frozen in the middle.” Turkey takes forever to make, and no one even likes it.
Historically, Benjamin Franklin wanted the turkey to be America’s national bird instead of the eagle. We could be sideling up to the table to enjoy some roasted eagle. Why does America even need a national bird though?
And is it just my family, or have you ever noticed that every year for Thanksgiving, someone brings either yams or some weird potato dish and you see it, and it’s the most horrifically disgusting thing you’ve ever seen. If you’re me, you think “Aww, why does mom even try?” (note to self, do not send this column to mom).
It stinks when you have a cousin whose a few years older than you are and they have a kid. And you see this baby, and you’re thinking to yourself, “Man, by the time this kid is my age now, I’ll be like forty. I’ll be an old, old man.”
That’s funny because my entire family will see this column, as well as some of my former teachers, and I can hear them saying “Hey, forty is not old.” They say this as my dad bursts out of the kitchen singing the new Jason Mraz song he just heard.
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