Every year we have the Princeton college survey, where they tell us what the best colleges in America are. They list 361 colleges. Three hundred and sixty freaking one colleges and they don’t list BG. They listed Ohio University. Honestly, if they’re on the list, how are we not? How is anyone not in the top 361?
Oh look, the Bigsby School of Journalism just listed me as one of the best 787 million humor writers in America. BG is one of the 24 and a half best schools in Ohio (the half college of course being Akron).
Besides its list of top colleges, Princeton has specific categories, some of which are sort of logical: best library, prettiest campus, etc.
They also factor in schools where professors are real hands on with their students. The winners of categories like those are always obscure schools you’ve never heard of that have like five students and three professors.No wonder they get a hands on education: they’re practically being home schooled.
That’s why I say we start the Bowling Green Fantastic Collegestravaganza Ratings Review. The trick will be to only have categories where we’ll be rated number one.
Here are some of the best:
– School where you’re most likely to see a hodge-podge of people playing Dance Dance Revolution? Bowling Green.
– Most likely to be walking down the street and randomly smell the most foul odor you’ve ever smelled in your life and you think to yourself, “Beh, is the circus in town?” and then suddenly the smell disappears? Yeah. BG.
– School where you’re most likely to get scalded by simply washing your hands because of the super-charged hot water heaters? Bowling Green again.
– Most likely to have students steal food from a dining center? Toledo. Obviously.
So that’s just the start of my ideas; I know I propose things in my columns all the time, like when I suggested naming me unquestioned king and ruler of Bowling Green, but I really think that this survey could go somewhere. Some of Princeton’s categories are pretty obsolete.
For instance, top party school. Aren’t all colleges party schools? Naming the biggest party school is like saying “Restaurant most likely to get food from.”
But there are always some schools that consistently place in the top few; how do those rankings change from year to year, though?
I imagine this year when Wisconsin is number one, OU students are like, “Shoot. We really got lackadaisical with our partying last year. We need to regroup, start studying a little bit less and focus on the goal: partying like it’s 1999 every single night.”
Someone interrupts: “No man, that’s the problem, we’re living in the past. We have to start partying like it’s 2099. The future is now.”
You laugh now, but in a few months, you’ll be coming back from OU, someone will ask you how it was down there, and you’ll be complaining about the futuristic parties. “I wasn’t a big fan of their music – it was a combination of techno and Philip Glass, and then someone hit me in the head with a plastic lightsaber.”
‘#160;