It’s almost that time of year again. Yes, that one weekend of the year when, for a few short hours, balding fifty-year old men and young, hip college students unite in the pursuit of a common goal: getting drunk as hell.
For those who have not yet had the pleasure of watching such a scene take place, let me assure you, the sight of grown men acting like hard-partying twenty-year olds is quite glorious. And by glorious I mean “disturbing.”
In fact, the excessive debauchery that accompanies every Homecoming leaves one wondering what exactly is being celebrated. Is it the brilliance of our wonderful school colors? Is it because Freddy and Frieda are finally having babies? Or is it because for one day a year, thousands of rich, famous and successful alumni converge in Bowling Green?
After ruling out the first two options through careful scientific processes that involved a dartboard and a handful of Cheetos, I am forced to conclude that not in a million years would the answer ever be option three.
But, since we have no other choices, we might as well go with the fantasy option. Just who are our famous alumni, anyway? A quick bit of research yields many familiar names: John Hancock, Henry David Thoreau, T.S. Eliot, and, of course, Unabomber Ted Kaczynski. Wait, nevermind – this isn’t Harvard.
Thank God! For a second there I thought we were responsible for graduating that horrible menace to society, T.S. Eliot.
No, all this university has to be proud of is a few successful alumni, the likes of which include Scott Hamilton (professional figure skater), Cara Zavaleta (Playboy Playmate), and Boombox Guy.
Yes, it’s true: according to my research assistants, whose credibility hasn’t been undermined in the slightest despite being completely wrong about that Harvard thing, Boombox Guy reportedly graduated from the University in 1963 and has been singing offkey loudly – while simultaneously pedaling a bicycle – for the past forty-two years.
He also single-handedly brings down the job placement rate for BGSU students by seven and a half percentage points.
Luckily the University aggressively markets its hugely successful graduates like Derk Cheetwood, who is “practically” an A-list actor. His name would probably be spoken in the same breath with big celebrities like Tom Cruise and Mariah Carey, except no one can say it without going, “Is that really your name?”
But moving past that, one has to admit that Derk has been responsible for some of the most poignant and moving roles in television history.
According to IMDB.com, he not only made a guest appearance on “Ally McBeal” in 1998, but also gained significant screentime playing the role of “Officer # 3” on the TV show “Medium” and made not one, but two guest appearances on everyone’s favorite show, “Beverly Hills, 90210.”
Without a doubt, I can safely say that Derk’s performances have made the world a better place. So let that be a lesson to all you wide-eyed undergraduates out there: you may not be able to cure cancer or bring about world peace, but the University will still promote you as long as you once played the part of a security guard on “Desperate Housewives.”
But lest you think I poke fun at our famous alumni too much, allow me to introduce Robert Patrick, a University graduate who assumed the role of the T-1000 in Terminator 2: Judgement Day. Not only is he a certifiable badass, but he also likes kittens (so I’ve heard).
Can you imagine sitting at a bar on Homecoming night and having a beer with your friends, when all of the sudden the T-1000 comes in and sits down next to you? Neither can I, but that’s because I’m only 19.
So if you do head out for a night on the town, keep a lookout for all those crazy alumni reliving their youth, a guy named Derk, and a half-man, half-hybrid machine that has to be melted to be destroyed.
And if you happen to see T.S. Eliot, punch him in the groin for me.
Jim ([email protected]) plans to graduate in seven years and become the next great American figure skating icon.
