Ahoy thar, maties!

Do you landlubbers even know what today is? I’m not talking about “Monday” on that silly Gregorian calendar of yers – we pirates have no use for such bilge-sucking worthlessness.

No, what I’m referring to is International Talk Like A Pirate Day, that glorious holiday that comes around once a year and allows all you scurvy dogs to pretend, for twenty-four hours, that you’re authentic sea dogs.

While me buckos and I originally felt some trepidation in encouraging all you cowardly swabs to be posers for a day, we realized that our numbers haven’t exactly been growing for the past two hundred years.

In fact, our kind have been disappearing faster than a two-ton anchor sinking down to Davy Jones’ locker. And that’s without someone strapped to it.

So, me hearties, desperate times call for desperate measures, and we’re calling upon you common folk to restore the pirate tradition to its old glory.

Our reputation has sunk lower than a merchant ship filled with holes from our broadside cannons and only you poxed lads can help.

Now that we’ve temporarily accepted you into our brotherhood, what are ye going to do about it?

I’ll give you rum maggots a hint: the proper answer involves the word “Yarr,” followed by talk of looting, pillaging, and most importantly, booty.

For if you didn’t know already, the search for booty is perhaps the most important part of a pirate’s existence.

If you can believe it, our call to booty is even more powerful than our urges to drink rum, sing sea shanties, and make people walk the plank. Don’t get me wrong, those are definitely some of our favorite things, but the one thing certain to make any true pirate’s eyes light up is talk of booty.

One might even say it is an obsession among us salty dogs, but I wouldn’t go that far.

‘Tis true that old saying: “One can never have enough booty.”

The more a pirate gets, the more he wants; it’s a vicious cycle that can only end in peg legs and hooks hanging off horribly haggard hands.

I can only imagine what most of you scurvy lot are thinking: “But what if we don’t want booty? How can we act like pirates?”

A good question, certainly; not only does it give me cause to question your sexuality, but it can be answered only by considering the Pirate Code of Ethics.

Yes, believe it or not, we pirates have a complex ethical system developed over hundreds of years of bloody warfare on the high seas and gradually translated into every major language, even English:

1. Any self-respecting pirate should not only desire booty at all times but also express this to everyone around him via easily understandable phrases such as “Yarr, needs more booty” or “Yarr, booty” or even just “Yarr.”

2. A good pirate must meet his quota of daily sayings, which includes “Yarr!”, “Arr!”, “Avast!”, “Shiver me timbers!” and “Blow me down, matey!”

If you cannot remember any of these, try shouting random syllables in a gruff voice.

3. Parakeets are non-negotiable, unless you have two peg legs.

Also, you will need a bandana to cover up the fact that most pirates suffer pre-mature balding.

4. A pirate should not drink rum on duty unless he A) is bored, B) has just gotten some booty or C) any other reason not listed above.

5. The only pickup line a pirate ever has to use: “Prepare to be boarded.”

Arr – with these five guidelines in hand, even you filthy landlubbers should be able to act like convincing pirates, if only for the rest of today.

But get going, me hearties. – you only have a few hours left to find yourself some booty.

‘#160;