When’s the last time you went to the dentist?
Chances are that it was sometime within the last six or twelve months, which means that you still may be suffering severe physical injuries from your visit.
Any and all of your health problems nosebleeds, motion sickness, syphillis are most likely the result of your latest trip to the dentist.
How do I know this? Simple.
If the health issue occurs at any time after you get those pearly whites cleaned, it was caused by your dentist.
Now, before you start lecturing me on unimportant things like ‘logic’ and ‘reason’ and ‘fair reporting,’ let me just go ahead and say that dentists are also solely responsible for many of the world’s biggest problems, among them global warming, pollution, and Courtney Love’s pregnancy.
At some point we have to grow up and face the facts: our world would be a much better place if dentists simply ceased to exist.
Think about it no more mandatory flossing, and no more three hour visits where every drop of fluid in your body is forcefully removed by a grossly overpowered suction tube that doubles as a jet engine.
‘But my dentist is a good dentist!’ Bzzt, wrong answer.
It’s a well-known fact that the only good dentist is a dead one.Thankfully, dentistry has not always been around. Our lucky ancestors in the Middle East never felt the scourge of a super-powered drill biting into their teeth at 500 miles per hour.
You see, according to the website for the American Dental Association, dentistry was first brought about by the Egyptians around 2600 BC.
The royal scribe Hesy-Re (whose name roughly translates to ‘bringer of death and destruction’) is the first recorded dentist in the history of the world, which makes him number one on my hit list, once I acquire a working time machine.
I mean, the Egyptians have contributed a lot of great things to our society (Pop-Tarts, bowling, etc.), but dentistry must have brought down their entire empire.
But hey, I’ve gotta run. It’s time for my checkup.
Jim ([email protected]) has had too many cavities to count.
