Hello there, and congratulations. You’ve finally made it to college, and although you haven’t even been here a full 24 hours, your parents are already in Las Vegas partying their little hineys off.

In fact, they’re probably renting out your room to a total stranger and renovating the entire house, so when you come home for Fall Break the only place you’ll be able to sleep is a spot of concrete where the couch used to be.

But I’m not bitter or anything.

At least your parents still love you, and Fall Break is so far away it might as well be next week.

So, despite being overqualified three years as a freshman will do that to a person without further ado, allow me to present my freshman guide to college.

Rest assured that this advice is better than all those ‘guide books’ written by ‘professional writers’ who ‘know what they’re talking about.’

In fact, throw those books away, because what I’m about to tell you will help make your freshman year better than all my freshman years combined.

ROOMMATES: I’m guessing that approximately 427 people have already told you that the key to solving disputes and maintaining a good relationship (i.e., ignoring each other as much as possible) is communication.

Talking things over is all well and good, but the real key is showering regularly. Perhaps you think you can get by with only one shower a week, but trust me: you can’t.

Your roommate will be silently cursing you every time he has to breathe. You do the math – that’s a lot of B.O.

CLOTHING: You’re probably wondering what to wear around campus. I’m not really a fashion guru or anything, but here’s a list of some clothing items that you should definitely wear all the time to make yourself seem ‘cool’ and to ‘blend in with the crowd’:

‘ Any kind of T-shirt from your old high school, especially if it is football related or says ‘SENIORS’ on it. Don’t let the fact that you’re now a freshman at another school stop you.

‘ Polo shirts with the collar popped. Seriously, this never gets old. Girls will be fawning all over you and every guy in the room will wish he could be half as cool as ‘that guy.’

‘ Lanyards. Chances are you received 15 free lanyards during OReg and BGeX, so pick out the most garish one you can find and attach all two of your keys to it, then walk around campus swinging it in wide circles as if you were a trained samurai.

CLASS: Forget everything you’ve ever heard about people skipping class every day. No one does it. Seriously.

NAVIGATING: There are a lot of large buildings around, so I recommend carrying at least two maps at all time and using them as much as possible. Really.

Also, you’re not ‘cool’ if you don’t travel around in a pack of fifteen or twenty people who have no idea where they are.

FOOD: Try not to eat at all, if possible otherwise the freshman 15 is inevitable. It’s a long time until Thanksgiving, but remember the secret mantra: What would Gandhi do?

PARTIES: I’m sure most of you have no intention of doing any partying whatsoever, and that if you do partake in any such festivities, it will be in a legal, controlled, and responsible manner.

But if you do, you must obey the ground rules (which some of us learned the hard way):

‘ Every hippie stereotype you’ve ever heard is true.

‘ Contrary to popular belief, hippie parties are not that fun.

‘ If a friend is on you to go to a party, make sure that A) he is not a hippy, and B) neither are you.

‘ If you check out a board game from your dorm’s front desk, do NOT borrow ‘Barbie Dream Date.’

That’s all I have; I hope that now you’ll be able to swagger around campus proudly with your collar popped and lanyard in hand. And for everyone’s sake, PLEASE take a shower.

Jim ([email protected]) was never a freshman. Really.