Writing this column just about killed me. This is a lot of pressure here. When I write my column, I have one goal: make people laugh, and this is the first time you’re going to get to experience the magic.
It’s sort of like that first date. You gaze longingly at the page, feeling awkward, not knowing quite what to expect.
I begin to break a sweat, not knowing what to talk about but knowing there can’t be an awkward pause. You reach over for some popcorn as I try to take a drink, but I accidentally miss the straw with my mouth and stick it up my nose. I try to play it off by clapping my hands together like a seal.
Not that that’s ever happened to me in real life or anything.
I thought and I thought about what woul be a good column to do for the fabulous freshman issue of the BG News. What I realized is that it would be good to simply give you some advice.
I’m not going to say ‘go to class,’ or ‘study,’ or ‘don’t forget to wear pants’ or any other kinds of obvious advice that people might give you.
If you’ve made it this far, you’re smart enough to know all of that (especially the pants thing).
No, I have advice about things you need to know for college that you’ve never thought about, such as toilet paper.
I doubt that you’ve put much thought into the toilet paper in college. Probably figure, ‘It’s just toilet paper,’ but you are in for a rude awakening.
This isn’t the two-ply luxury that your mom buys. This is cheap, scratchy toilet paper.
Where does the school get it from?
Well the toilet paper factory makes a lot of TP in the course of a day, but it doesn’t always come out right. So for the stuff that they say, ‘we can’t sell this toilet paper, this wasn’t meant to be used on people,’ they then sell to BG.
I once used BG toilet paper to sharpen the blade of a lawn mower. Bowling Green has the crappiest toilet paper I’ve ever seen before. I could have sworn that I once saw broken glass in one of the rolls.
I’d suggest bringing your own.
And if you don’t want to buy it, just grab a couple rolls next time you’re home for the weekend. Your parents will never know.
Another key piece of advice for you is do not under any circumstances wear your high school letter jacket on campus.
I’m not saying turn your back on your high school. But keep the letter jacket where it belongs: on a hook in a bag in your basement never to be heard or seen from again.
Think about it: when you were in high school, and you’d be at the football games and you’d see some guy in the student section with a letter jacket that said ’03, and you thought ‘what a loser.’ Why would you want to put yourself through that?
Something else that you can do in college that you would never consider in high school is that it is socially acceptable to eat alone in one of the dining centers.
I know, I know, you don’t believe it because it’s completely taboo in a high school cafeteria, but take my word for it. It’s not that big of a deal.
Maybe you’re coming to school and you’re an early riser. That’ll change.
I was talking to an incoming freshman a few weeks ago, he had a bunch of 8 a.m. classes this semester. He said, ‘I don’t mind it, I love waking up early.’
All I could think was ‘poor kid, he doesn’t know what he’s getting himself into.’
If you’re a morning person, suck it up for four years and become a night owl. Otherwise you’ll be a severely sleep deprived human being because you’re always going to be up late.
With that said, good luck and welcome to Bowling Green, I look forward to meeting each and everyone of you.
Also, If I ever catch you reading a column by anyone but me, I’ll have to snatch the paper out of your hands, roll it up and hit you on the snout with it like the dog you are.
Send comments to Josh at [email protected]