I’ve got big news for you the kind of amazing insight into the world around us that brings people to this column every week. This will be the first you’ve heard about this, and it may come as a shock.
Are you ready for this? Gas prices are really, really high.
I know, I know, it’s crazy. But yes, gas prices have been exorbitantly high in America and it looks like it’s only going to get worse. For the first time in American history, it actually costs more to fill your tank than it costs to actually BUY THE CAR ITSELF!
Now I’ve thought about writing a column on gas prices for awhile, but I always figured it would be more sad than funny. But enough is enough, and I know I’m not the only person who thinks this.
There have been different suggestions for how to power automobiles. There’s solar-power, which is certainly a good alternative ‘ as long as you don’t mind having to drive under 30 mph.
There has been talk of filling cars with coal, hydrogen, and even electricity. It all seems very Dr. Seuss if you ask me. ‘What will we use to power our cars? The bright yellow sun, or a box of mallow mars? Could we use dogs, or could we use cats? Could we use frogs, or could we use rats?’
As silly as some of that might sound, the alternative that the Atlanta City School system is currently using isn’t too far off. They’re mixing chicken fat with diesel fuel to save money. Now I know that gasoline and diesel are different, but depending on how it works, it might not be too far off in the future that we drive with gas made from fat.
Why they’re using chickens, I have no idea. Chickens have a purpose already: to be eaten. Why not use geese? The world would be a much better place to live if we could get rid of geese. I believe that even animal rights activists hate geese in their heart of hearts. We should start using them for fuel. The geese, not the animal rights activists ‘ although, we could use fat from people. What’s the difference between human fat and bird fat?
Isn’t fat pretty much fat? I realize I’m leaving myself vulnerable to countless emails from chemistry students explaining the differences, but here’s some food for thought. This might sound like a foul idea, but just hear me out don’t be a chicken. If we were to take just one of Starr Jones’ legs, it could fuel the car of every single person in the state of Illinois for an entire year. That’s just one of the many ideas I have to get filthy rich with this new fledgling oil industry.
And I’m going to bring huge money to Bowling Green. Where am I going to put my fat-to-gas slaughter house/refinery? Well, next to the Enclave of course.
If we end up using bird fat, why not have fast food restaurants where you can fill up
on gas?
But Josh, you say, they already have those. No, those are gas stations with restaurants. There’s a difference. Imagine: you could go to Chick-Fil-A and get a quality meal as your car gets filled with chicken fat gas. On second thought, that’s a little far-fetched. Like you would ever get a quality meal at Chick-Fil-A.