I like to think I have pretty good observational skills. And the thing that really sticks out to me every time I see commercials for the Woodland Mall is the fact that they talk about how they have the finest international cuisine in the area. They then show the Mexican and Chinese restaurants that they have.
Where do I begin?
Just because your food court has a Mexican and a Chinese restaurant doesn’#39;t mean that it’#39;s really fine dining or cuisine, or even edible. And as far as them claiming to be the best in the area, what area? Northwest Ohio.
Oh yeah, because we all know how coveted that distinction is. Van Wert, Sylvania and Findlay are fighting each other tooth and nail for that right. It’#39;s like the Israelis and Palestinians over the Holy Land.
Truth be told, if I had some gyro sauce and a bag of fortune cookies, I think I’#39;d have the areas best foreign food. And if I could just get a hold of some cherries, beef, and a blender, I’#39;d be able to make roughly 96 percent of all non-fried British food; which is 10 percent of their overall food.
The mall also has a Bulgarian restaurant. Ooh, I’#39;m going to have to get right on going there. You may be thinking to yourself, ‘Hey, there aren’#39;t any Bulgarian restaurants near where I live. That might be fun to try.’
Wrong! Do you know why there aren’#39;t any Bulgarian restaurants near where you live (unless of course you live in Bulgaria)? Because Bulgarian food isn’#39;t any good.
And another thing, why do they call it the Woodland Mall? We’#39;re in Wood County. But I’#39;m not a big fan of the county’#39;s name being in the name of the mall anyway. Where I live, our malls have mall names. Like Polaris Fashion Place and Easton Town Center. We don’#39;t have the Franklinland Mall. Cleveland and Cincinnati have malls with names like Beachwood and Kenwood.
But Woodland? It sounds like it should be followed by ‘correctional facility.’
Alas, I may be too harsh toward Woodland Mall. It is what it is. However it is a crappy mall that no one actually seems to shop at. Think about it, when’#39;s the last time you heard a conversation like this:
Person A: ‘Hey, I’#39;m getting ready to go to the Woodland Mall, wanna come?’
Person B: ‘ABSOLUTELY!!! (pause) What are you going for?’
Person A: ‘Oh, you know how the Woodland Mall is. You never really need a reason to shop there. I just like to go for the fun of it.’
Person B: ‘I know exactly what you mean. Why I could spend all day at the Woodland Mall!’
No, that’#39;s not how it ever is. Dr. Seuss even started to write a book about Woodland:
‘Woodland Mall is small. It’#39;s so small that you couldn’#39;t make a conference call, or play a game of bocce ball. Not even a baby fumfedall could crawl on its fumfedall feet across the hall to where the fumfedall’#39;s meet.’
Now if you’#39;re reading this (first of all know that I’#39;m not completely out of my mind), but if you’#39;re not familiar with the Bowling Green area (yes, if you’#39;re one of the 40 million readers of my column, but you don’#39;t go to school here) we refer to the Woodland Mall not as a mall at all, but rather, we call it The Small.
Most malls have nice stores. Maybe you’#39;re buying some clothes and the mall in your hometown has Hollister and American Eagle. The Small has Maurice’#39;s and Elder Beerman. Elder Beerman sounds more like a fraternity title than somewhere you’#39;d want to buy an outfit.
But I did look at their Web site, which was totally awesome. That was until I realized that it was the website of a Woodland Mall in another state. No, our Woodland Mall’#39;s website (www.bgwoodlandmall.com) doesn’#39;t even work. I doubt that anyone ever goes to that site anyway.
Aside from the movie theatre, there isn’#39;t really a point to go to the mall anyway.
Aside from all of the connoisseurs flocking for their Peking Spam, of course.
‘#160;
Make shopping plans with Josh. E-mail him at [email protected].