When you think of the most important events of the past year, things like Hurricane Katrina and the continuation of the war in Iraq probably come to mind.

Those are all well and good, but what about the events that fall through the cracks? Who’s going to mention them? Who will stand up for the news that’s not news?

With this in mind, I picked up the torch and created the first annual Not News “Year in review” list, which details all my favorite parts of 2005 (or at least the ones I can remember).

The last 12 months have been pretty wild, so sit down and prepare for a blast from the past:

Best Movie

Hands down this choice was obvious – Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants was, by a large margin, the best movie I’ve ever seen. I was extremely close to giving it “Movie of the New Millennium,” but my fellow columnists advised me against it, spouting some nonsense about being “premature.”

Hah! I’m plenty mature, thank you very much. That must be why I cried so much during the movie. In case you didn’t see it, there were a lot of pants, and then a bunch of females who all wore the pants, and some more pants, and then everyone was like “ROADTRIP!” and then it ended. And I cried.

Best Lyrics

This category was a toss-up, but in the end I went with the obvious choice: “My Humps” by the Black Eyed Peas. I could write pages on the poignancy and depth of these lyrics, but I figured I would let the words speak for themselves:

“My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump / My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump.”

Clearly this lyrical poetry comes straight from that special place in the heart most songwriters can only dream of tapping into someday.

Honorable mention: B-A-N-A-N-A-S. Enough said.

Best Music Video

Anyone who’s seen the latest Madonna video, “Hung Up,” knows it has something going for it. What that is, exactly, is beyond me to interpret.

Besides the fact that the entire song is ripped off an Abba hit from the 70s and the leotard Madonna wears is so tight it would have fit her snugly in seventh grade, there is a large number of ridiculous dance sequences wherein several random people suddenly burst into a perfectly choreographed dance routine.

But dance moves aren’t the only hot element; in between singing thought-provoking existential lyrics like “Time goes by so slowly,” Madonna also finds time to vigorously hump a boombox.

At this point in the video I was completely mesmerized; it wasn’t until later – when I realized she and my mom are practically the same age – that I started freaking out. But hey, what’s life without a little craziness?

Best Riots

Coincidentally, craziness seems to be the motto of the French this year. On top of their usual oddities, like “eating cheese” and “wine” and “speaking another language,” some French citizens made the news by shaving their armpits.

Hah, like that would ever happen! Everyone knows the media attention was because of the French people’s penchant for burning things to the ground: snails, cars, buildings, cars made of snails, buildings shaped like snails with cars inside, etc.

The whole affair was pretty insane, to say the least. At least here in northwest Ohio we can relax comfortably knowing the possibilities of a riot are practically zero. Haha, just kidding! Toledo always finds a way to screw up everything.

Biggest Choke of the Year

Speaking of screwing things up, did somebody mention the Cleveland Indians? The word “choke” doesn’t even begin to describe what happened; “total disintegration” is more like it. It shouldn’t even be possible for a season to fall apart as fast as the Indians’ did; and yet, it happened.

Smallest Surprise of the Year

While the Indians’ collapse was completely unexplainable, reports that Kevin Federline was acting like a bum and ignoring Britney Spears and their new baby were a surprise to no one.

No one, that is, but Britney. It took long enough, but she finally realized what the rest of the world knew since the day she started dating Federline: he’s a loser, and what’s worse, he probably sucks at dodge ball.

And that about wraps up the entire year! So when you’re sitting on a couch at New Year’s, reminiscing about the last twelve months and wondering what the future holds, just remember: the past holds the key to the future.

If 2006 is anything like this year, next December we’ll all be humping stereos while crying as we watch the Indians’ stadium burn down. Oh, and most important of all: don’t forget about the lovely lady lumps. They’re bananas.

‘#160;

Jim ([email protected]) is eager to make more New Year’s resolutions he ‘ll never keep.