The weekend passed by rather quickly. I can recall many things yelled down my hallway at 2 in the morning and, since I was still awake playing Gamecube, it didn’t faze me. With this in mind, I was walking out of my room at 11:15 p.m. on Sunday and I comically holler back to my roommate not to lock the door because I didn’t have my keys. With just my luck, two RAs walk around the corner and one of them callously tells me that I need to be quiet during quiet hours. Where was she when somebody yelled down the hall to “shut the (potty mouth) up” at 3 in the morning? Just let this be a lesson to you: Be careful what you say and to whom, because you never know what will inspire me to write an article.

First off, heaven forbid I wake anyone up at 11 at night. I’m sure my see-no-evil floormates were all tuckered out after an arduous weekend of picking wildflowers and reading their Bible. If I were to disturb their slumber at the ungodly hour of midnight, they might not get up in time to raise the flag at sunrise. Therefore, I apologize to all the senior citizens who reside in my dorm. Secondly, I don’t mind being nicely told to keep it down. That’s what my RA does and I don’t mind it. But when quiet hours have been in effect for less than a half hour and an RA (who isn’t even mine) bitterly reprimands me, that might be a little overdoing it.

I’ve never been one to introduce a serious solution to anything in my articles, but “gradual quiet hours” in dorms might not be such a bad idea. Why should the same standard be in place at 11 p.m. and at 5 a.m? The noise level should instead taper off into the night, just like the sun does. Now that I have proposed a feasible plan to replace our current system of quiet hours, I will take it to the level with which I am comfortable, which is to humorously explain the new system.

At 11 p.m., the gradualness goes in effect. The tenants of the floor should turn down their loud music so that Siberia can no longer hear it. If people’s doors are open and their televisions are at a reasonable volume, there should be no problem. If you are studying, you close your door and everyone lives happily ever after. If you violate these rules, the RA hits you with a pillow.

At midnight, everyone’s doors should be closed, but soft conversation is allowed in the hallway. Since it is already the next day, there will be a stricter punishment for being loud. The RA slaps you with a spiral notebook.1 a.m. is a good time to be completely silent. The hallway should be quiet enough to hear a pin drop. Anyone who wants to socialize should do so quietly inside someone’s room. Doors shouldn’t be slammed and animal sacrifices are strictly prohibited at this hour. If you violate this, the RA will club you with his or her shoe.

At 2 a.m., you have already seen the same episode of SportsCenter twice. If you want to walk down the hallway, make sure your keys don’t jingle and your shoes aren’t dragged across the floor. If you’re too loud, the RA will bludgeon you with a wooden bat.

At 3 a.m., Zzas closes and the shuttle stops running. ESPN begins to rerun the baseball game it aired that night. You should still be able to hear a pin drop in the hallway, but if the RA hears such clamor, he or she has the right to piledrive you.

At 4 a.m., through 6 a.m., excess snoring is prohibited. Snoring is a blatant violation of quiet hours, and the RA has the right to break into your room and push you out of your loft (or if your bed isn’t lofted, your RA will put shaving cream in your hand and tickle your nose.)

After 6 a.m., you can get up and watch the same SportsCenter six more times. The noise can gradually become more tolerable starting now, but I am still sleeping until noon. Keep in mind I can’t force you to like this plan, but if you don’t, I have personally told your RA to punish you by making you read the Bible.