Matthew 23:12 of the Bible reads as follows: “And whosoever shall exalt himself shall be humbled; and whosoever shall humble himself shall be exalted.” Well, Matthew never wrote an end of the year article revisiting his best columns in the past months. It’s not that I’ve written about everything that disgusts me; in fact, I have barely scratched the surface. There are also many more insane, fictitious stories I have to tell. Alas, I still have one more week of class in which I have to complete three major assignments. I just feel like reminiscing with all of you about some of my favorite masterpieces.
“Ready, aim, fire (drill)” (Oct. 18) marked my first published article. My hard-hitting look inside prank fire alarms went unnoticed for a long time. My warning was not heeded, and the on-campus students paid for it in the passing months. McDonald Hall had several false alarms, and even a real one to mix things up. Nostradamus couldn’t have done better than I did at the time.
Not to disappoint in my second article, I discussed minority issues in “Another right-wing plot” (Oct. 29). Now, this campus has several groups to promote and defend minorities of various ethnicities, beliefs, and sexual orientations. None of them are wholly or partially dedicated to left-handed people and the subtle discrimination they suffer every day. To this day, southpaws like yours truly are confined to ice cream scoops, can openers, and computer mice specifically manufactured for people who use their right hands. To this day, I still firmly believe that the right hand isn’t the “right” hand.
Several Gamecube-playing days later, it was Valentine’s Day, and I gave my new girlfriend Julie a rose and a roll of Mentos. I gave the campus “Girls: Can’t live with or without them” (Feb. 12). This single humorous attack on the female of the species inspired three of four guest columns by people who apparently missed the humorous facet of the column. My favorite of these responses was Jennifer Lake’s “Columnist’s views about women bad” (Feb. 13). Judging from the date, she should have been able to put aside her rage from reading my article and write a rational response that attacked neither my love life nor my writing skills. Unfortunately, both of those cheap shots were taken. Nevertheless, Ms. Lake’s submission turned out to fill my week with enjoyment and flattery.
“A wind-driven journey through different worlds” (Feb. 26) probably left some people wondering about my sanity. With nothing else to write about, I did my best impression of Steven Wright coked out of his mind. If there were a week in which nothing happened, then I would probably write about a magical journey again. Only this time, I would bring packets of mustard, a hammer, and a camera.
I then returned to the real world and discussed financial issues in “Balancing the meal budget” (Apr. 9). In 20 short days, I went from $845.85 to currently almost $260. Of course, I couldn’t have done it without my parents who come down and splurge at Chily’s, as well as my beautiful, hungry, and aforementioned girlfriend Julie. My dad is allegedly driving down one day and buying all the bottles of Aquafina on campus that he can fit in his Navigator, which has the cubic volume of a small ocean.
With all this and much more mayhem created from my personal computer, I’d like to thank everyone who took time out of their schedule of staying up late and playing Playstation to once in a while read my articles. With the exception of Ms. Lake, I really don’t know how all of you feel about my haphazard writing style, so I encourage you to post responses to my article on The BG News website so I know how many of you have your guns pointed at me as I leave my dorm. Assuming I don’t forget how to speak English over the summer, I should be back next year, chock full of random outlooks on life. Go Diamondbacks.
